Cover: Duckmorph running on top of a ball. "First step is always a long and hard one. Second step is to run. Third is to never stop running!" Dennis Brimhall, 10/04/04 THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED Volume 16 issue 12 ***************************************************************************** This is frightfully late mostly for the usual reasons (too many other things I had to do took priority), but partly also because as you can see from the contents that even after waiting a couple of extra weeks I got fewer than two pages worth of ads, not counting my own, this in the Incredibly Cheap Christmas Present ish. Hence this issue will be mostly artwork (not that that's exactly a *bad* thing.). At least this time you should have plenty of official time to get ads in - I'm skipping March (this'll be Feb/Mar) so anything that arrives before the end of March will go into nextish. Also since there doesn't seem to be any reason for it any longer, I'm removing the ad count limit; henceforth any member may contribute as many ads as they please, no change in cost. All I request is that if you *can* send them by email, please do so (and especially if there are a lot of them) and if I get more than 15 pages in a month I reserve the right to serialize things like stories. (After all, I've got two serials running right now...) Ye Ed ***************************************************************************** =============================== Charlotte McLeod 1922-2005 She wrote the kind of mysteries you reread... Hunter S. Thompson 1939-2005 Journalist gonzo... =============================== YE ED: Are you sure you'll adhere to it? C.T.S.C. ---Um... not really. . Or anyway I may have adhered to it but the zine surely didn't. Oh well... Ye Ed.--- Will Eisner: the only creator I ever heard of who, on seeing the TV pilot of his best-known work, complained that they hadn't changed it *enough*. (His point, apparently, was that different media called for different approaches and emphases.) ---Before Miyazaki's version of "Howl's Moving Castle" came out in Japan last November, author Diana Wynne Jones was quoted as saying "It's fantastic. No, I have no input - I write books, not films. Yes it will be =different= from the book - in fact it's likely to be very different, but that's as it should be. It will still be a fantastic film." She seems to have been delighted with the result, when she was able to attend a screening. We get to see it in the USA in June. Ye Ed--- And at least I got to meet Kelly Freas. Farmers PRODUCE PRODUCE. The MAGNATE has a MAGNETIC personality. I think Rita Roswell's got the right idea; I never understood the attraction of having holes punched in oneself, and the idea makes me queasy... Libby does a jump kick hard enough to knock the captain back into Tana's opponent - although she winces as though the effort hurt *her*, too. "Forgot the downside to *that* defense," she mutters. "Oh, well," continues Libby. "It was time to stop playing around, anyway." Twin laser beams blaze from her eyes and sever the bungee cords. THE SEA DOG: No; didn't you hear the narrator? That was the best "*you* got." *This* [POW!] is [BAM!] mine! [SOCK!] ...Higeoyaji. Despte the hooraw and the TV screen, MSM does manage to keep her mind (and her eyes) on Celia. Cella isn't embarrassed; but it's the principle of the thing...her fur darkens, what look like scars appear, and she gives a savage, feral snarl that signals that the prankster sailor made a *big* mistake trying to "R" her. It's a perfect piece of mimicry, except for her human size; if Phil the Cat weren't somewhere else, he'd be *dumbfounded*... Picture: The artist. "Www.lucifire.com - firebreathing and crotch grinding. Www.grindergirl.com - more grinding. http://home.earthlink.net/~lenyr.borax.htm scrap aluminum, baking soda and 120 volt (and one 75 watt bulb) for a cool greenish glow..." Scott Thomas, date unknown. Wies! It's aw computew-genewated wies!...ELMER. ELMER: Thpeak for yourthelf, boyo...DANIEL WEBFOOT. YOU MAY BE A PINHEAD IF... you go to Dippin' Donuts (Southbridge, MA) and dunk your donut. DR. RITA ROBIN: And what do you make of *these*?...GIL GRISLY, indicating a group of bodies with *no* obvious injuries other than the autopsy cuts... GIL GRISLY: These bodies show cellular damage consistant with having been quick frozen, at, or slightly after the time of death. I can't absolutely rule out one of the more evanescent poisons like Ricin, but I'd put the cause of death at hypothermia. Dr. Rita Robin DR. RITA ROBIN: I'll see these epithelials to DNA myself; but I have a feeling I already know what they'll find...GIL GRISLY. He's probably right - an hour later when the report comes back from the DNA lab, it shows the sample as being too degraded to show anything useful. RECOMMENDED READING: *The Radioactive Boy Scout* by Ken Silverstein. The incredible and frightening true story of the teen who tried to build a nuclear reactor in his parent's backyard. Really *weird* idea #7 (Cyberpunk Bugs Bunny cast, seriously, as Batman.) seen consorting with Bad Ideas #50 (Cheesecake Squad in burkhas) and 73 (Nude, radioactive mud wrestling) on page 1. Jazz is confronted by...a group of young turtles wearing propeller beanies and packing slingshots and water pistols?' MAGUS: Look to your dull blade. (As H just stands there, relaxed.) Magus just laughs at H's newest taunt. ACIA: I don't doubt she's been everywhere, done everything she says; but she's never been to *that* world before, doesn't understand its rules! She could do *worse* than die - and *never realize it until it was too late!*...THE FICTATOR. FICTATOR: H has always been headstrong to the point of being dangerous, and as to CT game? Please, she has only known of war! And how to kill in more ways than Kettan does which keeps him on his toes. Now this will shock you; I think H has a deathwish. If this is true, then we best hope she's not in this solar system with us! Acia Picture: Headshot of guy with antennae. "The best, worst movie I've seen in a while... 'Rock and Roll Starship'. It's what amounts to a 90-minute SF home movie... so lame it's fun to watch...Bought the DVD at ConGlomeration..." Scott Thomas, 9/03 Two new Bong confront Yuri: the first... "I am Omaha of Bong," says the cyborg cat-woman, one arm ending in a piece almost as big as Yuri's. "Resistance is useless." And the other... "I am Kei of Bong," she says, aiming the Triple-Avenger now attached to her shoulder. "I know *you* will not surrender. Therefore..." They fire volleys of missles at Yuri. Yuri dodges sideways.. well, starts to anyway. Before Yuri has a chance to dodge or counterattack, a metal hand grabs her arm and yanks her out of sight. Her...rescuer? ...captor? ...is a Bong cat-man who, in addition to his other cybernetic body parts, wears a metal half-mask over the right side of his face. "Yipes!" Yuri points her Very Large Weapon at the face of the Bong Cat. YURI: Don't shoot! I'm on your side! No time to explain, but I'm - well, not a real Bong! Look: the Omniinterocator is just beyond those two, but it's *indestructible* as long as it's in operation! Even if you can get past them, you'll have to turn it off before you can blow it up! Now, I think I can distract them long enough for you to do that. More; I think I can *save* them - turn your friend and - mine - back into what they were! Will you trust me?...CHARLES THE PSEUDOBONG, formerly TWO-PUSS, formerly CHUCK KATT. Without moving the weapon (or firing it either), Yuri reaches out and taps "shave and a haircut" on the side of the barrel. Everyone? Then hold on and we will go to where we can talk! Tan Bad Idea #125b, shot by the SWAT sniper last issue was rushed to the Toontown Hospital, but died en route, and so will now never be implemented. Since it was "Print next issue in bright green on red and gold paisley paper", this may be just as well. If you're at all fond of fanfic, see www.fanfiction.net for far more than you ever dreamed existed. (If you aren't, better stay WELL away.) The only other place I can think of besides Intercepted where you might encounter such things as the Lord Of The Rings with various Discworld notables substituted for everybody from Aragorn to Sauron... Ye Ed (still giggling.) If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately. -"How to Survive a Horror Movie" =================================== And a few more obits in order of death - see also the Dead People Server at dpsinfo/dps/2005.html. Ossie Davis 1917-2005 Arthur Miller 1915-2005 Jack Chalker 1944-2005 Brian Kelly 1931-2005 F. M. Busby 1921-2005 =================================== If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately. -"How to Survive a Horror Movie" Picture: Christmas card - Deer-morph woman wearing lots of ribbon and a bow. "Merry Xmas & A Very Happy New Year.". Dennis Brimhall, Jan 1, 2005 ***************************************************************************** Well, now will you look at that - I just found a chapter of Splendid Wisdom sitting innocently in the current issue folder. I should check this more often. Harriet "Hooters" Harrington has graduated from the Space Academy and is now an ensign in the Space Navy of the Starry-Eyed Kingdom of MantaRay. This, however, is not her story. But it is another installment of SPLENDID WISDOM AT THE SECOND HILLTOP CASTLE perpetrated by Penny Arcade, Mickey Maus, & April Phool under the direction and general guidence of M.K. Capriola, not that they pay any attention to him (The Gingham Dog appears courtesy of M.J. Susko, Jr. and DBU Records & Tapes) I think this is Chapter 17 The Mor Rigan and Mazoe rode in a sedan chair carried by local bearers. Tyronoe, in her aspect of the crone, took the point ahead of them, carried upon the back of the Gingham Dog. Vesket, lugging the luggage, struggled to keep up. Mazoe had her nose in the guidebook. "Says here that the Second Hilltop Castle is guarded by three sorceresses known as the Jynah sisters; Ann, Ree, and Vaa. Could be trouble." "Yes, killing them might take all of ten minutes," the Mor Rigan commented. "Such a bother." I just checked and it is Chapter 17 The band of adventurers arrived in the county seat of Sedan just before sunset and booked three rooms at the local inn. The Gingham Dog paid for a fourth room although Tyrone kindly offered to let him sleep in the hall outside her door "like a favored guard dog." Vesket was used to sleeping in hallways and didn't mind it much because her mistress always gave her a thick blanket and a pot to piss in. After dinner, the party split up to wander about town in search of information. Mazoe was about to enter a colorful tavern -- and by the graffiti on the walls outside she knew it to be colorful, if somewhat illiterate -- when voices drifted on the wind from the alley at the end of the building. She recognized those voices, and sneaked a peak around the corner. There she saw two apparent children floating a half dozen feet off the ground. The girls held a map between them and traced out a route. "The Second Hilltop Castle lies to the west of the town, up in the highlands," one said. "Soon, its treasure will be ours," the other replied. Mazoe straightened and stepped into the alley. "I don't think so, sisters." The twins looked up and glared at Mazoe. "Oh, it's *you*," they said in unison. "Morgain and I are after that treasure, and we're not sharing with the two of you," Mazoe explained. "No." "We are -- " "-- going to get -- " "-- the treasure -- " "-- you stupid -- " "-- bitch." "Okay, which one of you puppies wants it first?" Mazoe inquired as she rolled up her sleeve. "Why don't I do the honors, Gliton?" "Well, I don't see why not, Gliten." Gliton drifted further down the alley as Gliten and Mazoe began to build up charges of static electricity. The air crackled around the two sorceresses as they raised their arms.... In the meanwhilst, Bloodstone and Eri are inside the tavern having dinner after a brief game of dwarf-toss. Bloodstone had chosen this game because, "I've decided that the dwarf is sitting in my chair," which is one way of getting a table when the maitre d' isn't readily available. Eri is poking a fork at her salad whose lettuce leaves suspiciously resemble weeds. Bloodstone occupys herself with lemon-buttered haunch of unicorn and a tankard of ale. "So this wizard guy," Bloodstone says around a mouthful of raw meat, "calling himself Gandoof the Gay or whatever, is looking for a 'halfling' to carry some stupid ring to the Mountain of Doom. And I says, 'I'm your girl.' Then I take the ring to the nearest pawn shop and -- *What in the name of our Holy Ancestors was that?!*" The thunderclap echoed from one end of Sedan to the other. People came running from all directions to discover what had happened, entertainment being hard to come by in the town. Vesket, at the outer edge, began shouting, "Make way for the Great Queen! Aside for the Great Queen!" The Mor Rigan strode forward, and people quickly got out of her way. "What a mess," the Mor Rigan observed. Both combatants lay stretched out on the ground. Gliton bent over her twin. "Gliten! Speak to me!" "Please, Father," Gliten murmured. "May I help torture the Roman prisoners?" The Mor Rigan knelt down and peeled back Mazoe's eyelid. "I faw down," Mazoe announced. The Mor Rigan turned to Gliton who cradled her twin in her arms. "How is Gliten?" "I think she has a concussion. Gliten? Hello?" "The centurion's skull will make a nice flowerpot, Mommy." The Mor Rigan helped Mazoe to sit up. "I want to get back on the pony," Mazoe declared and slumped over. "I wish the three of you would stop feuding," the Mor Rigan declared. (A bad writer at this point would say "her eyes flashed with anger," but the only time I've ever seen eyes flash is when playing a light across a cat's face in the dark.) "Asking these three to stop fighting," Tyronoe cackled, "is like asking the sun not to rise." "Let's get our injured sisters back to the inn." The Mor Rigan stood and indicated four healthy-looking men at the front of the crowd. "Your four will carry these two women back to the Prancing Hippo Inn." "At what scale of pay, mum?" "I will allow you to live another day." "Oh! Right you are, mum! Let's get at it, then, mates." The Gingham Dog watched as the two women were carried off. He turned to follow and stopped in his tracks. "Dog Boy!" "Uh, hello, Bloodstone. I, er, um...." "You and I were supposed to go find the treasure at the Second Hilltop Castle but you wandered off somewhere." "Well, I pass back and forth between dimensions at inconvenient moments." "Oh. Good. I might have thought you were trying to ditch me. That could've been bad for your health." "Uh, quite." "No matter. You can have half of Eri's share of the loot. Eri, this is my old buddy Dog Boy." "That's the Gingham Dog," he corrected. "Pleased to meet you, Miss Eri." "Wow, you must be really brave, Mr. Dog." "Why do you say that, Miss Eri?" "Because you corrected Bloodstone right in front of her." "I don't mind," Bloodstone said. "I can always cut his heart out if he *really* annoys me." "True." "Uff!" said the Gingham Dog. He turned to Tyronoe who'd just elbowed him in the ribs yet again. "Gonna introduce me, Doggie?" "Certainly. This is the great sorceress Tyronoe. Ms. Tyronoe, these are the elves Bloodstone and Eri." "Pleased." "Howdy." "You girls are going up to the Second Hilltop Castle, are ya?" "You bet we are, old and smelly human. What's it to you?" Tyronoe leaned on her cane and doubled over with laughter. After a bit she straightened somewhat and said to G.D., "You coming with us or going with them, sonny?" "Well, I, uh...." "He's with me," Bloodstone announced, narrowing her eyes. "That's peachy. Caught between a stampede and a cliff, aren't you, sonny? No matter. Go with them." She pointed at a young man standing nearby. "You there! Carry me over to the Prancing Hippo." "Why should I?" Tyronoe clapped her hands together once, sharply. The man screamed as his leg bone snapped, and he fell to the ground writhing in pain. Tyronoe pointed to another bystander. "You there! Carry me over to the Prancing Hippo." "Yes, ma'm!" We ran out of ideas here, so you'll all have to wait until next time, and Chapter 18 of "SPLENDID WISDOM AT THE SECOND HILLTOP CASTLE." ***************************************************************************** No you won't - Michael emailed me chapter 18 towards the end of February when I was still madly dashing to finish this... so just see next page! Ye Ed Picture: Sistren. Franq Pinki Shelley and Dee-Are Shelley. Franq: "It's 'pickled eggs'. You sound ignernt.. Say 'pickled eggs'... Yer just a dumb-@$$ little sister an' that's all you ever will be." Dee-Are: "'Pippled aigs'. I ain't ignernt.. 'Pippled aigs.'. An' yer butt is fat. I bet yer butt will get as big as Aunt Bernice's" BGM: "Sweet Talkin' Woman" by E.L.O. Scott Thomas, date unknown. ***************************************************************************** SPLENDID WISDOM AT THE SECOND PILLBOX HASSLE Arcade and Maus: story Phool: artwork Capriola: poof-reading Authors' notes: Readers may note that in Chapter 16 we promised a visit to the Flying Carpet Shoppe, but in Chapter 17 our travelers rented a sedan chair instead. Having retroactively appointed Capriola Assistant Editor In Charge Of Continuity, we can now blame him. I'd fire the bozo if I didn't owe him money. --Michelle Maus I really did write a Flying Carpet Shoppe scene, but one of my children ate it. Honestly. -- Penelope Arcade Michelle and I are just good friends. Heck, I don't even own a flannel shirt. --April Phool Gingham Dog copyright Michael J. Susko, Jr. Fudd's First Law of Opposition copyright Austin, Bergman, Ossman and Proctor Chapstick 18: Not Insane, Not Responsible Jack Spratt ate no fat, His wife would drink Jim Beam. And eventually, her liver would've given out, but Virtue Spratt had avoided that potential problem by walking in front of a runaway wagon one night when she was in her cups. The funeral didn't cost all that much, for no embalming fluid was required. Ann Jynah had to attend the funeral for appearances sake, the Spratts having been loyal supporters of Splendid Wisdom during the Beer Hall Push a decade earlier. Ann recalled that it'd taken a good two dozen people to push the Beer Hall over. But Fudd's First Law of Opposition had held true: If you push something hard enough it will fall over. On the way back to town Ann scanned the skies in vain for the flying carpet she'd been told to expect. Maybe the foreign witches weren't coming after all. Just as well. It is better to be paid for being alert and eager than it is to need a coin for the Ferryman. In town, she started on her second task, which was to find out what the hell had made that gawds-offal noise the night before. She started with the tavern but learned nothing there except that the ale was worse than usual. Outside, she ran into a man wearing a Gingham Dog mask. They sized each other up -- Ann taking note of the gingham mask and vest and shin guards, and the wooden sword slung from the man's hip; the man staring openly at the small flame hovering in the air above Ann's wheat-colored hair. "Excuse me, citizen." Ann's voice was soft and carried the tone of someone whose nose was stuffy from a cold virus. "Did you happen to see what transpired outside the tavern last night?" "Hey, you look and sound like you just walked out of the Mister MaGoo Christmas Carol special. Ghost of Christmas Past, right? Is this a copyright violation?" Ann stared and blinked for a long moment. "Oh, you must be Her Excellency's new court jester." "Um, which Her Excellency do you mean?" "Her Exalted and Gracious Excellency, Splendid Wisdom, Priestess of the Ninth Order of Babboo and Keeper of the Sacred Chalice of Beta-zitt. Can you find your own way to the castle, or would you like for me to escort you there?" "Ah... yeah! An escort to the castle sounds great! I need to fetch my two companions first." The Gingham Dog cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Eri! Bloods--!" "We're right here, human." GD turned about and saw the two elves standing behind him. They each had an ice cream cone in hand. "Great news. The Ghost of Christmas Past is going to take us right to the Second Castle." "My name is Ann Jynah, Journeyman sorceress. I am not a ghost." "She thinks I - I mean, she recognized me as the new court jester and wants to take me, *us*, right to the castle. Isn't that great?" Bloodstone's mouth widened into a broad smile. "That's the best news I've heard all week. Ann smiled at the two elves. "So, what do you girls do? Acrobatics? Pantomime? Juggling?" "I'm pretty good at tossing knives and dwarves," Bloodstone offered. "I can sew," Eri said. "So what?" Bloodstone said. "Sew garments, darn socks." "What about the darn socks?" "Huh?" "What?" Ann tossed her head back and laughed. "They're funny." "Entertainment must be pretty hard to come by," the Gingham Dog observed. "Entertainment is so scarce here that most folks can't even spell the word." "Being without it for so long means it could bite them on the ass and they wouldn't recognize it?" "No, someone bit an ass - a mule, actually - last week and an onlooker said, as the mule biter was kicked through a wall, '*That's* entertainment!'" "The mule wasn't injured, was it?" "No, it's a tough old thing and once belonged to a retired sea captain named Peter Pillowbyter. He was at the battle of Haaghk'ptu and .... " "Can we get a move on sometime this week?" Bloodstone interjected. "After all, why wait for those human females in black to wake up and insist on going with us? Hmm? "Capital suggestion." GD bowed to Ann Jynah. "We await your command." ACT II SCENE ONE BALL 3 MAN ON 1st "Waal," said the grizzled old man in the tattered coat. "The Second Hilltop Castle aren't far from har, but tha road's washed out on account of tha rain." The Mor Rigan smiled with forced patience. "So what would you recommend to someone who wanted to get to the Second Hilltop Castle?" "Waal, yah can't get thar from har. But if yah was ta go ta East Dreckbohrung, and swing north through Dreckbohrung Center, yah could take tha Dreckbhorung farry 'cross the rivah." "East Dreckbohrung. North to Dreckbohrung Center. Take the ferry. I think I have it." "'Cept theh tha Dreckbohrung farrry went out of business thray yars ago. Or was it four yars ago...?" "Then I would imagine that you *cannot* recommend the use of the ferry, now can you?" "Doan get yar knickars in a twist, yar ladyship. If yah was ta fallah ta rivah upstream from tha farry, yah would come ta whar tha ol' stone bridge yusta be." "'Used to be,'" the Mor Rigan repeated with resignation. "Thar's some houses narbye. Just go and ask ol' Esel Scheisskopf ta take yah ovah on his raft." "And which house is his?" "It's tha one theh yusta be white." "Thank you my good man." The Mor Rigan started to turn away, but noticed that the yokel had his hand out. "Of course. Mazoe, dear, would you please give this odorous piece of local color something for his troubles?" The Mor Rigan walked off as her sister stepped up and slid a knife between the old man's ribs. "Urk!" "Would you like a twist with that?" She manipulated the blade. "Argk!" "You're quite welcome." The old man slid down the wall and into a nondescript heap, amid all the other nondescript and odorous heaps in the alley. "Have a nice eternity." "Would it have bothered you so much to have given the poor sod a coin?" Tyrone asked. "Yes, the Mor Rigan answered. "It would have." More slogging through the countryside in our next chapter. Isn't this exciting? One of these days (Y3K?) we might even reach the Castle. See yah next time if'n yah doan miss tha farry. ***************************************************************************** Picture: Two Cat House kids diving into the pool - one's a cat-taur, the other a humanoid "devil-girl". Dennis Brimhall, Cat House Crew, 11/22/04 Picture: Electronic Voice Phenomena. Two ghosts before a standup microphone connected to a tape recorder. Male ghost: "Next on our EVP is the lovely Rilda." Female ghost: "Quit hoggin' it! You already used up half th' tape with that Michigan J. Frog bit..." BGM: "Puttin' on the Ritz" - version by Paco. Next panel: Junk Science Department... E.V.P..There are beaucoup websites on this - where you can (supposedly) get voices from the hereafter on tape (or in digital media). Do I think they're ghosts? Possible, I suppose, but my guess is radio interference. This can show up in some strange places (like rechargable flashlights.) Dirty contacts can form accidental crystal radios (do a search under "crystal radio" or "foxhole radio" to see how simple a radio receiver can be) and there are countless radio transmitters in the world around us. (Crystal radios only work with analog transmitters - digital transmitters just sound like weird noices to an analog receiver.) But EVP is a simple and inexpensive experiment to try.. Some websites claim attempting such can let "entities" in through a portal you create by trying to communicate with whoever is on the Other Side. These "entities" can follow you home (adopt an entity momth?) like annoying relatives. I plan to try this in Spring - when I can comfortably sit outside with a recorder.. I have a few places in mind to try this at.. If I record anything interesting, I might make a compilation CD of it... Scott Thomas, 1/05 Picture: Seen Outside Hot Topic in Florence Mall. "Pinki the Yuppigoth". Picture of gothgirl in halter top, miniskirt, checked tights and stripy sleeves wearing heavy looking boots, and carrying a "Hot Topic" bag. Arrows point to various features. Nuclear pink hair and jewelry. Pink lipstick. Pink contacts with slit pupil ("cateye"). Cloting black w/pink stripes. Dead white skin. Clearly not a teen.. sort of a Yuppigoth, I guess, probably in her late '30s, early '40s... Three colors: nuclear pink, black, dead white. Big bag o' stuff from Hot Topic - with their prices she must've spent a small fortune there. I take it that dead white look is cosmetics - if so, she used a lot of it. Reminded me of Pris from "Blade Runner". Scott Thomas, 10/04 Picture: Melancholia Jones. Headshot of girl with huge dark eyes. Scott Thomas, date unknown. ***************************************************************************** * As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. * If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the nearest exit with all speed. -"How to Survive a Horror Movie" ***************************************************************************** ENTIRELY TOO SLITHY (part three) still by TCC (The Mad Tea Party characters are playing Dungeons and Dragons. The March Hare is Games Master, the players are Alice, The Mad Hatter and the Cheshire Cat. And the dormouse is playing the mule, though it's asleep most of the time. They are now in the Black Forest.) "Uh... After a couple of hours you find yourself at a large clearing. You can see that the sun is getting close to going down but it's still brighter than on the path. There's a small garden in the clearing next to a hut." "We go over to the hut," I said, hoping we were about to stop being bored. "Funny thing," said March, "but the more steps you take, the further away it gets." "What, are we in Lookingglass Land?" said Alice in a disappointed voice. "I've *been* there." Our three characters dutifully turned and walked away from the hut, finding themselves at the door in about two steps. "Lookingglass Land all right," said Alice. "Not quite", said March. "As you reach for the door, the hut stands up on a pair of legs like huge chicken legs and runs away into the forest." Silence. "Do you follow it?" asked March. "Why bother?" asked Alice. "It'll just get stuck between the trees if it goes too far and we can find it then if we need to. I want to look around in the garden. Does it have talking flowers?" "There aren't any flowers at all, just vegetables." "All right, does it have talking vegetables?" I glanced over at the Hatter and we both broke into "If you like to talk to tomatoes. If a squash can make you..." We were interrupted by an anguished cry from March "NO! No talking.. OR singing vegetables. They just sit there in the garden and grow." "Are there any carrots?" I asked. "Yes, carrots, peas, cabbages and things like that." "OK," I said, "I pick a carrot and feed it to the mule." "OK, Mule", said March, "Pick up the dice and make your saving..." his voice trailed off as he noticed the dormouse was in his usual condition. He picked the dice up himself and rolled them. "The mule turns into a giant spider." "OOH!" said the Hatter, "My character picks a carrot and eats it." "Roll your dice," said March. "Looks like you made your saving throw, you're still a human wizard." "Rats! Can I try again? I wanna be a spider!" said the Hatter. "One carrot to a customer," replied March. "OK, my character picks a pea and eats it." "Your character turns into a velociraptor," said March without rolling any dice at all. "EEP!" said the dormouse who appears to have been awake after all. "I climb a tree." "But mules can't climb trees," protested the Hatter. "Spiders can," pointed out March. "The spider climbs eighteen feet up the nearest tree and sits on a branch. Since the straps on the pack were designed for a mule, it falls out onto the ground and you have to spend about fifteen minutes picking everything up." "Can't," I replied - "I also climb up a tree." "Alice?" asked March. 'Tree," she replied firmly, with a wary look at the Hatter. "Hey, come back down here," cried the Hatter, plaintively. "I don't wanna pick all this stuff up myself." "The rest of us don't wanna be dinosaur food," I said. "Hey, just because now I've got fangs and claws and a taste for raw meat and I'm getting hungry doesn't mean I'm going to eat the rest of the party." March interrupted the argument with; "You hear a rustling in the bushes. It sounds like it's getting closer." Picture: Tyranosaurus Rex. MS clip art Hmm.. are our heroes finally about to actually fight something? We shall see nextish... ***************************************************************************** Picture: A Hazy Shade of Winter. Camilla and Wendell in winter, the former wearing Wing Warmers, the latter carrying a toolkit. Camilla: "Are you just trying to humor a mopey old bat? Do you really need my help on this?" Windell: "Honestly? Yes to both questions. Setting the windgen's voltage regulator is a three-hand job, and I like having my lifemate nearby to talk to... Izzat so bad? After this, what say we go into Danville an' see a movie? After stoppin' by Dee-Kyoo an' gettin'us a big greasy chili dog? How's that sound?" Next to the panel is the artist, commenting: "At my last job, I was called into the physical therapy department to fix a gizmo that was nothing more than a box with alternating fluorescent and incandescent lights - I wondered what it was used for, and asked. It seems the mellow sunlight of winter, and the stretches of cold, gray-cloudy days sets up mild depression in some folks - seasonal something-or-other disorder - and wide spectrum light helps..or getting out where the lights are bright and stuff is going on... Many older rural houses tend to be dimly lit - making it worse for someone susceptible to this... I like winter's mellow sunshine, and the hazy shade of winter days. To me 10 degrees F is much easier to deal with than 85 degrees F... I'm not sure what this says about me as a person... or if I want to know." Scott Thomas, 12/04 Probably just that you shouldn't move to Southern California. I tend to a bit of seasonal whatchamacallit myself, but the problem was easily solved by putting daylight spectrum lamps in the kitchen light fixture. And, of course, living in Southern California... Picture: Various female members of the Cat House Crew (several 'taurs, a lamia and some humanoid furries) at the beach. Dennis Brimhall, Cat House Crew, 1/05/05 ***************************************************************************** Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson: he brought the house down. Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. ***************************************************************************** Picture: Various female members of the Cat House crew (humanoid cats and a cat-taur) with a volleyball, dressed for the beach. Dennis Brimhall, Cat House, 12/25/04 ***************************************************************************** * If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. * Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. * If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. * Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface. * Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you. -"How to Survive a Horror Movie" ***************************************************************************** Picture: Wendell's Words-O-Wisdom. Head shot of Wendell looking vaguely nauseated. "Extra hot jalapeno Vienna sausages, a package of Tom's Hot Peanuts, stuffed cabbage with cayenne peppers and duodenal ulcers just don't go together..." Current BGM: Don't Bring me Down by ELO. Scott Thomas, 1/05 Picture: Camilla, holding a Stop -n- Rob Coffee Club mug, with an arrow pointing to it from "Ever present cup of coffee." Camilla Sterling-Nerdsley Sez: "I suppose this makes me a weird old bat, but... I like bellybuttons. All kinds of bellybuttons... innies, outies, or whatever. I don't know what that makes me - or if I want to know..." Artist's comment "This is more-or-less verbatim from the girl (well, 40 year old girl) Camilla is based on... who was in the process of sobering up at the time." Scot Thomas, 8/03 Picture: Various female members of the Cat House crew, all humanoid furries (mostly cat or deer) wearing bikinis. Dennis Brimhall, Cat House Crew, 1/05/05. ***************************************************************************** SOME UPCOMING CONVENTIONS *CONSONANCE 2005, Milpitas, CA March 4-6, 2005, http://www.consonance.org/ ANIME DETOUR, Bloomington, MN, March 11-13, 2005, http://www.animedetour.com/ UBERCON V, Secaucus, NJ, March 11-13, 2005, http://www.ubercon.com/ PAWPET MEGAPLEX, Orlando, FL, March 11-13, 2005, http://www.ppmp.info/ SIMCON XXVII, Rochester, NY, March 17-20, 2005, http://www.simcon.org/ CHIMAERACON 2005, San Antonio, TX, March 18-20, 2005, http://www.chimaeracon.com/ REVELCON 16, Houston, TX, March 18-20, 2005, http://www.majorcrimes.freeservers.com/REVELcon.htm MADICON 14, Harrisonburg, VA, March 18-20, 2005, http://www.madicon.org/ NORWESCON 28, SeaTac, WA, March 24-27, 2005, http://www.norwescon.org/ CONDOR XII, San Diego, CA, March 25-27, 2005, http://www.condorcon.org/ KAMIKAZECON, Houston, TX, March 25-27, 2005, http://www.kamikazecon.com/ FILKONTARIO 15, Mississauga, ON, April 1-3, 2005, http://www.filkontario.ca/ CONBUST 2005, Northampton, MA, April 1-3, 2005, http://www.smith.edu/conbust/ TECHNICON 22, Blacksburg, VA, April 1-3, 2005, http://www.technicon.org/ 2005 WORLD HORROR CONVENTION , New York , NY, April 7-10, 2005, http://www.whc2005.org/ SAKURA-CON, Seattle, WA, April 8-10, 2005, http://www.sakuracon.org/ I-CON 24, Stony Brook, NY, April 8-10, 2005, http://www.iconsf.org/ UBCON 2005, Buffalo, NY, April 16-17, 2005, http://wings.buffalo.edu/sa/sarpa/ubcon2005. AGGIECON 36, College Station, TX, April 21-24, 2005, http://aggiecon.tamu.edu/ OHIO MORPHICON, Columbus, OH, April 29-May 1, 2005, http://morphicon.org/ ANIME BOSTON, Boston, MA, April 29-May 1, 2005, http://www.animeboston.com/ MALICE DOMESTIC XVII, Arlington, VA, April 29-May 1, 2005, http://www.malicedomestic.org/ *CALIFUR, Irvine, CA, May 20-23, 2005, http://www.califur.com CAPE MAY FUR MEET, Cape May, NJ, May 21-22, 2005, http://www.capemayfurmeet.org ROCKET CITY FURMEET, Huntsville, AL, May 27-29, 2005, http://narf.wereanimal.net/ ANTHROCON, Philadelphia, PA, July, 2005, http://www.anthrocon.org/index.html * cons Ye Ed plans to attend. See ya! ***************************************************************************** THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED is published on a monthly schedule more or less and also available from my website at http://www.kayshapero.net/icindex.htm, where you can also find THE CAST LIST, which includes bios of characters in INTERCEPTED and a list of characters currently in play. All of these are text-only. The original INTERCEPTED (hard copy version comprised of ads, inclusions and artwork) is available from 12536 Short Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90066 for $1.75 plus postage (usually 2 oz worth). Hard copy of THE CAST LIST is also available, for $1.00 plus postage a copy. Note the Cast List does NOT contain any artwork; the only difference between the hard copy and downloadable version is that the former is formatted into three columns. Contributions should be sent to me at kayshapero@earthlink.net Back issues of both The Electronic Intercepted, and Intercepted are available; write me for details. Contributions to this thing consist of ads, artwork and inclusions, as follows: ADS: Send all you please; I'm pulling the ad limit (at least for the moment), though I reserve the right to serialize long stuff. If you can submit your contribution via e-mail (kayshapero@earthlink.net), or on a 3.5 floppy as plain text or a Word document, Ye Ed will be very happy with you. Ads are $.02 per line. (Note ad cost is included in the purchase price for the hard copy Intercepted.) Ads (or bios for The Cast List) may be mailed to me, as above. ARTWORK: Artists may receive free or reduced cost hard copy versions. See the hard copy Intercepted for details. INCLUSIONS: These are pretty much anything that is neither artwork or ads, and cost $3.00 per side if I have to copy them and will not show up in the electronic version unless supplied as ascii text. See the hard copy Intercepted for details. The editor reserves the right to edit or refuse ads (but rarely does as long as they don't get too gross or ose.) ADS NEXTISH DUE: April 1, 2005 PUBLICATION DATE NEXTISH: April 8, 2005 EDITOR: Kay Shapero SYSOP: Nicolai Shapero Make Life Interesting!