Cover: "It's Summertime!" Polar bear and penguin hula-ing in grass skirts. Microsoft Clip Art. THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED Volume 16 issue 15 ***************************************************************************** FRED UPDATE: Fred Patten is now at Golden State Colonial Conv. Hospital, 10830 Oxnard St., No. Hollywood 91606, room 12B. He should be having his own phone put in soon; the number for the nursing home itself is 1-818-763-8247. It's only a few miles from the LASFS so he's been able to attend the last two meeting, plus some anime gatherings. Meanwhile - I know I'm the only one in here who's had an entry in every is- sue of Intercepted since the beginning... anybody interested in seeing some reprints of some of the weirder early Intercepted conversations? Ye Ed ***************************************************************************** BTW - This would have been out earlier if people's ads had got here ear- lier... ============================================= Mary Frohman 1947-2005 Anarchist and generally interesting person ============================================= The Theme for the Califur in 2006 is Pirates. Bet the Pirates in "here" are happy. I wonder if they had anything to do with that? "Arr, Ye be right.." The Pirate Captain grins... Phil gets a tap on the shoulder by a iron bar. The cat Captain grins at the smaller cat and sucker-punches him across the jaw! "Creators, so easy to get sidetracked." The sound of some things hitting the desk of Phil's ship of fools, er, rescue rings out. (Seems he has some chalk as well coming out of that torn pocket. A few sparkle with a bit of MAGIC. *insert a few notes of the "Chalkzone" themesong* One has a message written on it. "Use with care, Pal. -Rudy T.) MSM may feel a strange "itch" all over her body when she wakes up. No out- ward changes to her body yet... (Aside from a heck of a lump on the back of her head.) MSM ignores any weird feelings she may have, scrapes herself off the floor, and follows Crystal's trail. Crystal's fairly easy to track – at length MSM finds herself at the outside of the door to another cabin, which is locked or barricaded inside. She flags down a steward. "Is that door the only exit from that room? The Pirates watching the fight from up on their ship, pull out a Boombox, in- sert a memory stick with a download of songs and hit PLAY."Rich Girl" by Gwen Stenfani blasts out and the two skunk girls wake up. The one Tana had tossed manages to "put on the brakes" before she goes over the edge. (Boobs bounce. Once, twice, no wardrobe malfunction.) She turns & with a nod at the other skunk they start a series of movements that seem to be a mix of the dance moves of the PumaSisters from Tank Police and fighting/dance moves from the Caribbean! The skunkette with the Bouncer Boobs faints a few hits at Tana, while the other (Who shows off more BOOTY with her shorts) cartwheels behind Mrs Miller. They both move to one side at the time, link their long tails, & roll on a double cartwheel toward Tana. They release "Gas", just before their linked tails hit The Bunny's legs! (All in time to the "Rich Girl " song.) "Booty" gets in a "Feel" of Tana's butt as this is going on as well. "Nice Ass, Sweetee." The old sea dog climbs back onto the speedboat. (He's not completely sure how he got overboard, but he sure wants to get back at that so-and-so who he was fighting. The Brit never cared for the Shunks choice in music, As he gets back into the fight, he hums a old sea tune. Farewell and adieu to you fine Spanish ladies, Farewell and adieu all you ladies of Spain, For we're received orders to sail for old England And perhaps we shall never more see you again. We'll rant and we'll roar like true British sailors, We'll range and we'll roam over all the salt seas, Until we strike soundings in the Channel of old England From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues. The Brit opens a eye to scan the scene for a "weather report". He spots a opening and carefully sticks out a leg to trip Alan.... Meanwhile, back at the ACME repair yard, someone calls Elmer's home phone number. "Hello, is this the Fudd residence? Thankyou Mrs Fudd, your car is repaired and ready, so... What? Why he's ok and using our rental. Yes, it has a phone. I can give you the number...." CAP'S DICTIONARY y'all (abbr: "you all") All of you, as opposed to some or part of you. Example: "Y'all coming to the party?" "Most of me is coming, although parts of me may remain at home." Picture: Rinderciller and Pat Cohen in da U.P. Outside, trees and snow in background, both dressed warmly, Pat has a steam- ing coffee cup labeled "Fill -N- Swill". Rinderciller: I ain't never lived outta Kentucky... I don't know about this Michigan stuff.. A high of 40 degrees F in May? I can't see the other side o' this lake.. You talked me into this. Thassa lotta water. Kinda freaks me out..." Pat Cohen: (singing) "The Lake it is said, never gives up her dead when the skies of November turn gloomy." Scott Thomas, 4/05 The Tpio Mnoxetr, Ahem , The Typo Monster & I are just Good friends. (Outside of nights of a full moon in the months with odd number of days, every other leap year, then we have Wild Monkey sex until we past out.) - Poster of the Sideways bit. "Hmmmmm... That's not a bad idea.." thinks the writer of the Cheesecake Squad out load. "Don't you dare!!!" the entire squad yells at their Creator! We hove our ship to when the wind was sou'west, boys, We hove our ship to for to strike soundings clear, Then we filled our main-tops'l & bore right away, boys, And right up the Channel our course we did steer. We'll rant and we'll roar like true British sailors, We'll range and we'll roam over all the salt seas, Until we strike soundings in the Channel of old England From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues FROM THE BUM PRESS: A clue to a rumor about one of the music group, "Pis- sants" can be found in the cover of their album "Jagged Little Filly". The rumor? Who had breast-reduction surgery in order to stay in the group? (The cover was done before the operation...) Meanwhile, at Network headquarters for programing the Jazz Jackrabbit show, a heated debate is going on between two programing Execs. "No,no, no! There is No way there is going to be a Level with a "M" rating. We would lose over half our core fan base, not to mention what their parents would do to us. What else you got?" The senior Exec says to the Junior. "*sigh* Well, there is the product tie-in spot. It's just a Pencil-test, but.." "Show me." *pencil-test of Jazz milk powder product spot* "----explosion! closeup of Jazz's blaster! Cut to scene of a group of standard enemies. Cut to closeup of last season's Major heavy shouting commands. *explosion!* Scene of Jazz surrounded by standard enemies. Jazz does his popular countermove. *Flash* Enemies all knocked out. Cut to Heavy shaking fist and retreating. Cut to closeup of Jazz taking a drink from his field rations. "Got Milk?" Closeup again on Jazz's green milk mushtashe. End. Senior Exec, "Hmmm, good. What's the favor we're pushing?" Junior Exec, "Here's a sample." *glup* "Mmmmm, Mint, with a hint of vanilla and.. Is that cookie dough I taste?" "Yes, sir, market tests are promising for this one. Not like last year's carrot bomb...." "Don't remind me. I lost some good friends in the fallout from that one. Looks good. Let's run it up and see if it can get a salute!" In other news, the lawsuit of Proud Family vs Pissants has been dismissed. It was shown that the song "Dysfunctional Family dance" was in no way a copy- right rip of "Disfunkshanal" from the The Proud Family cd. The first land we made is known as the Dodman, Next Ram Head near Plymouth, Start, Portland and Wight; We sailed past Beachy, past Fairly and Dungeness, And then bore away for the South Foreland light. We'll rant and we'll roar like true British sailors, We'll range and we'll roam over all the salt seas, Until we strike soundings in the Channel of old England From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues. One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts. - Samuel Johnson Picture: 3:19 A.M. Just Outside Copper Harbor, Michigan. Rinderciller and Pat Cohen in bed, wrapped up comfortably in separate blan- kets. Clock shows 3:19 am. Rinderciller (alert): I... Think I'm havin' a panic attack. I ain't never been outta Kentucky, much less lived in another state in my 44 years... Now I'm in Michigan's Upper Peninsula with Lake Superior in our backyard. It's May and snowin' out. This old house is spooky-like. What if there's a haint in it? My ulcers and irritable bowel syndrome are actin' up... An I'm livin' - an' sleepin', with a hermphrodite. I wonder what that makes me?" Pat Cohen (trying to sleep): "'Lucky.' Look, that's it. You gotta cut back on caffeine.." Scott Thomas, 4/05 Furry sightings in different places: Issue #19 of "Jane's World" by Paige Braddock : Jane goes to a convention called "Fur the fun of it '05" in a dog fursuit. Then the signal is made for the Grand Fleet to anchor All all in the Downs that night for to meet, So stand by your stoppers, see clear your shank-painters, Haul all your clew-garnets, stick out tacks and sheets. We'll rant and we'll roar like true British sailors, We'll range and we'll roam over all the salt seas, Until we strike soundings in the Channel of old England From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues. Picture: Bimble Cohen Sez "www.planetary.org/solarsail/ ... the first solar sail, a private space venture... I graduated High School in 1975, and if someone had told us then that a private space group in California would be using an old Soviet ICBM to put its project into orbit, no one would have be- lieved it..." typical Cohen character in croptop with hermaphrodite symbol, plants, lion-like tail. note: All Cohen characters are named after Eastern Kentucky towns... Name: Bimble Cohen Height: 5'3" Weight: 107# Age: 47 Sex: Hermaphrodite Skin: Lime green w/ black markings. Hair: Dandelion Yellow Eyes: Silver Scott Thomas, 6/05 FROM THE COMIC COOKERY BOOK BY F.H. CURTIS, 1891: Beets: Dead beets should be served in summary manner. Winter beets in a wintry manner. Boil them, and having obtained a supply of hearts, serve two hearts but with a single beet. Now let every man toss off a full bumper, Now let every man toss off a full bowl, For we will be jolly and drown melancholy In a health to each jovial and true-hearted soul. We'll rant and we'll roar like true British sailors, We'll range and we'll roam over all the salt seas, Until we strike soundings in the Channel of old England From Ushant to Scilly 'tis thirty-five leagues. In the morning I'll remember the plotlines I forgot to add to today. To those waiting for more, I'm sorry. ...fuddled, mubbled, reely, rat-faced, cut, half-cut... AGENT 13-19: A mind clone is a full blown copy of the person but it can't copy itself! And when its use is over it will return to its user until it's needed again. Til its user dies. Tan ..got a crumb in his beard, taken draps, reeled, kisky. In another part of the Bong ship, a bong watches a tape of Baby Loony Toons. "*sigh* I was so young then..." Lolacuteass didn't hear the music coming over the Bong system at first. Then the rhythms started to take hold and she started to "Bump-&-Grind". She also started to feel her Bong inplants comings loose. A feeling to remove them welled up inside her. But before she can do a strip-tease, her feels a need to find a vertical rod. "Must...do...Pole...Dance...Need..the Tips...." ..had his wig oil'd, has a brick in 'is hat, overcome.. In a moment of weakness, I played with a friend's mind. Now our friendship is dead and I have a angry lover.. .has a guest in the attic, elephant's trunk, sherbetty. As a head dips to a clawed hand and drops a rock, H asks "Are we ready to fight again?" and tosses the rock at Magus which explands and glows! Atro- pos, Tata, move it - we've a fight! FICTATOR AND ACIA: I would like to talk to you both, please! Tan ..And the gavel came down.. And the gavel came down... ..bitted by the brewer's horse, has his soul in soak... Bloodstone eats creatures who are Nucivorous... The Swat sniper gets a call from his Spotter on another bad idea and gets set up to take another shot... ....ramped, sauced, lamped, intoxicated, wet, drunk. Puma tastes like veal, Fox like rabbit, Beaver like pork, termites like let- tuce, & a giant waterbug tastes like Gorgonzola. (Hungry?) Picture: Equal and opposite reaction... "If ya do sumpin' ignernt, expect sumpin' ignernt to happen. I decided to save a few bucks an' pierced my bellybutton at home... It got infected. Th' infection travelled inward, almost puttin' me in th' hospital. I ain't got no health insurance, an' fortunately, about 80 bucks worth of anny-biotics cured it... Coulda been a lot worse... Y'know? All becuz I wanted this pew- ter medieval lookin' sun-face in myh bellybutton..." spoken by plump pointy- eared fem in shorts and croptop, sunface emblem on left arm, with a can of Blitz Beer in her left hand and a bag of "Cheez Chunk Mystery Snax" in the other. Arrow pointing to the quote from "True story I was told a while back". Arrow pointing to the fem from "Woman I saw at a flea market in Bowling Green, KY... not the one who told the story." Scott Thomas, 6/05 ***************************************************************************** THE IMPROBABLE FINAL EXAM (author(s) unknown, though at least part of this was around when *Ye Ed* was in college.) INSTRUCTIONS: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately. ART: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life. BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special at- tention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis. CHEMISTRY: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.) CIVIL ENGINEERING: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid. COMPUTER SCIENCE: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this lan- guage, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you. ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Do- natist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for pre- venting these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tam- pered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it be- fore the reactor melts down. ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take what- ever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision. EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. HISTORY: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its effects in Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific. MATHEMATICS: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s. MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes. METAPHYSICS: Describe in detail the probable nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis. MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its signifi- cance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate refer- ences. It is not necessary to translate. PHYSICS: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any. PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. RELIGION: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged. SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. EXTRA CREDIT: Define the universe, and give three examples. ***************************************************************************** And now for something completely different... I've only got one more page of "Entirely too Slithy" done at the moment and this thing's scandalously late already so instead I include the following short-short, notable mostly for being my first and probably only Harry Potter fanfic ever... HARRY POTTER AND THE WORST CURSE YET "I'm afraid this is going to be a slashfic" said Draco, "Why?" asked Harry, cautiously. "You aren't... er..." "Interested? Not hard ..er.. likely. But look at the facts. We're ene- mies, right? Lock us in a room together and ordinarily you'd expect us to either come bursting out of opposite walls or reenact the Tale of the Kil- kenny Cats. But here we sit talking to each other, politely. We're some- where in the middle of an adventure we don't know the details of probably be- cause the writer is planning on a lot of flashbacks she hasn't written yet. You're kinda beat up and so *wince* am I, but not from fighting *each other* and the general atmosphere is too hurt/comfort for words." "And we're sitting on and chained to a most improbably comfy bed in an otherwise forbidding dungeon room." finished Harry. He reached into his pants. "Hmm... I've still got my wand where I hid it - no, not *that* – got yours?" Draco checked "Why yes, I believe I do." "Then there's just one thing to do. One... two... three..." They raised their wands, pointed them through the Fourth Wall at the writer's pen and cried "*Expelliarmus!*" +++ And speaking of fanfic... while these days it seems to be customary to invent your own characters and mileau, it's not a requirement. In the past we've had everything from Narnia to Star Wars, or Star Trek to H.P. Lovecraft. Avoid characters creators have specifically asked to have left alone (the works of Anne Rice or Anne McCaffrey for example), but other than that... feel free! (for that matter, if someone wants to continue the battle begun in that short short... pick a character and join in!) ***************************************************************************** THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED is published on a monthly schedule more or less and also available from my website at http://www.kayshapero.net/icindex.htm, where you can also find THE CAST LIST, which includes bios of characters in INTERCEPTED and a list of characters currently in play. All of these are text-only. The original INTERCEPTED (hard copy version comprised of ads, inclusions and artwork) is available from 12536 Short Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90066 for $1.75 plus postage (usually 2 oz worth). Hard copy of THE CAST LIST is also available, for $1.00 plus postage a copy. Note the Cast List does NOT contain any artwork; the only difference between the hard copy and downloadable version is that the former is formatted into three columns. Contributions should be sent to me at kayshapero@earthlink.net Back issues of both The Electronic Intercepted, and Intercepted are avail- able; write me for details. Contributions to this thing consist of ads, artwork and inclusions, as fol- lows: ADS: Send all you please; I'm pulling the ad limit (at least for the mo- ment), though I reserve the right to serialize long stuff. If you can submit your contribution via e-mail (kayshapero@earthlink.net), or on a 3.5 floppy as plain text or a Word document, Ye Ed will be very happy with you. Ads are $.02 per line. (Note ad cost is included in the purchase price for the hard copy Intercepted.) Ads (or bios for The Cast List) may be mailed to me, as above. ARTWORK: Artists may receive free or reduced cost hard copy versions. See the hard copy Intercepted for details. INCLUSIONS: These are pretty much anything that is neither artwork or ads, and cost $3.00 per side if I have to copy them and will not show up in the electronic version unless supplied as ascii text. See the hard copy Inter- cepted for details. The editor reserves the right to edit or refuse ads (but rarely does as long as they don't get too gross or ose.) ADS NEXTISH DUE: July 1, 2005 PUBLICATION DATE NEXTISH: July 8, 2005 EDITOR: Kay Shapero SYSOP: Nicolai Shapero Make Life Interesting!