Cover: Owl carrying an open scroll reading "I need covers. Ye Ed" THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED Volume 16 issue 16 ***************************************************************************** OK, as you can see I'm making this the July/August issue, so ads for nextish are due by September 1. This ought to help make up for this issue being so late AND enable people to send me ads on time. If you emailed me ads, and they do not appear in this issue, please resend them to anansii@hotmail.com - I suspect Earthlink's spam filter has gone hyperactive again. I will have a new email address before long; watch this space! Meanwhile, you may want to use the hotmail address for your ads nextish. Ye Ed Fred's got his own phone now, which he's mostly using to surf the net, so if you want to email him at fredpatten@earthlink.net feel free. If you want to try and phone, it's (818) 506-3159. ***************************************************************************** ======================= James Doohan 1920-2005 Scotty Beamed Up... ======================= BIMBLE COHEN: Sadly, that solar sail (Cosmos 1) was lost after the third rocket stage failed. Phil the Cat (Planetary Society member since 1982) Stars shimmered in Phil the Cat's eyes as he reeled from the Pirate Captain's blow. Falling to the deck, the feline shook his head vigorously to regain his bearings. He then scribbled something with the crayon which he still gripped in his hand, and then looked up at the Captain. "You call that a sucker punch?" grinned Phil. "THIS is a sucker punch." And with those words, an octopus flew into the feline brigand's face and wrapped its sucker-covered tentacles around his head. Recovering his wits, Phil the Cat picked up the piece of magic chalk with the message and pondered what to do with it. He also wondered if this was the time to use the Master PokeBall. PLOT ELEMENT I'D LIKE TO SEE: The lowly farmboy in the middle of nowhere stays there (he can save the farm, the country, or the planet, but he does it *at* the farm.) Tana Miller was momentarily mesmerized by the skunkettes' acrobatics, which prevented her from taking any action against them until it was too late. And when the skunk gas hit her, the rabbit lady gasped and choked as her sensitive nose was overwhelmed by the terrible odor. As Tana fell to the deck, her mate, who had by now recovered from the fall, rushed up and caught her. VIRAIN & COMPANY: Where are you guys? We could use your help right now! Gary Miller GARY MILLER: Sorry - Virain tripped and got his sword stuck in a bale and we were busy trying to pry it out. *(a slightly harassed)* Lisaine And Lisaine, Virain and H'rill all come charging into the fray! H'rill pounces on a skunkette, catches a whiff of the skunk gas and proceeds to sneeze uncontrollably. When the pirate captain yanks the bar out of Nathan's grasp, the shrike- morph continues to fight with his beak and fists. "Are you *sure* she's here?" calls Libby to Phil as she fires her laser eyes at the iron bar in the captain's hands, heating it red hot. LIBBY: Yes, I'm sure she's here. I can smell her from here. I think she's trying to escape. Phil the Cat Lisaine starts trading sword blows with a bulldog pirate. The Skipper, Bovinov, Multi-Man and Alex have finally reached the waterfront. "*Now* what do we do?" asks the Skipper. DAMAGE CONTROL "Oh, NO!" moans the Fictator. Turning to Acia, he says, "I'm really sorry, dear; this is an emergen..." as he pulls out his I Team communicator. Virain leaps onto an upper deck, grabs a piece of rope (which is hanging down for reasons we won't examine too closely given that I don't think this is a sailing ship), and with a wild yell swings across the deck, right between Phil and the Pirate Captain... and right on over the other side of the deck into the water. Lisaine mutters something inaudible, finishes off her opponent, and dives over after him. Assured by the steward that there is no other exit from the cabin, MSM does a quick reconoiter to make sure, then takes up station outside the door. She still has her prisoner - let her employer figure out how to get to her. Agent 13-19 whips out his communicator at the Fictator's signal. "Yes? What..." (Pause) "WHAT?! Yes... yes. No, you stay put with your wife. I and the others can handle this (I hope)." Turning to Tan, 13- 19 says, "I'm really sorry about this, but this could be a real crisis unless the team acts right away!" Sending the alert signal out over his communicator, he rushes off. HIS ESCORTS: Oh-oh! Sorry, ladies, but I've got a crisis to handle... unless you'd like to come along, too; we may need all the help we can get here... CAIN HOBBEAR, as he picks up the message on his communicator and hurries away. Picture: Rita Roswell in a crop top. "'Nother thing what I don't like about summer. Gettin' all sweaty an' yer clothes stick to ya, an' ya about hafta roll down yer undies an' shorts ta use th' can." Scott Thomas, 7/02 PLOT ELEMENT I'D LIKE TO SEE: The practitioners of the local religion with the heirarchy of priests in gaudy robes, frequently brandished Holy Books and mass public prayer rallies... are friendly, helpful, and wouldn't *dream* of doing nasty things to unbelievers. What looks like an elevator car materializes out of nowhere like the Doctor's phone booth. The door is opened by a lanky terrier-morph with a boxlike head and red fur (and I don't mean ginger; I mean fire-engine!). Agent 13-19, Cain HobBear (and his escorts, if they choose to come) join the others already inside. The door closes, and the "elevator" fades away again. Swaying to the exotic music, Omaha eases her big gun off her arm and tosses it aside. Kei, a little more conflicted, doesn't - yet - but still sways a lot more sinuously that you'd have thought she *could* in that Bong armor. Edison Carter points his camera at Lolacuteass as she begins her pole dance. "Remember," he says into his microphone, "this is Lively and Direct with Edison Carter!" EDISON CARTER: Just another pathetic attempt to defeat the invincible Bong. Nothing to - What? Hey! Wait a minute! Wait a minute!...THE BONG QUEEN, as her battlesuit begins to bump and grind too... The queen's battlesuit continues to divest itself of accoutrements and armor as her own language grows more vivid. It loosens its shoulder armor and casually eases the queen out and tosses her aside! "That's *it*! That is IT!" screams the again-cute toon-raccoon Bong Queen. "Watch, reporter!" she snarls. "You're about to see how I bring the troops back into line!" Pulling out her *own* CD, she jumps and treads air a couple of times, just missing the wall slot she's aiming at each time. She quivers with rage, then extends her telescoping Bong arm, slips the CD into the slot, and presses the button next to it. Strauss' *Radetsky March* booms out over the ship's P.A. system, drowning out the other music. "Nothing like a little military music to reestablish discipline," gloats the queen. Unfortunately, the Bong Queen has overlooked one point that readers familiar with the *Radetsky March* may already have spotted... H: No, you don't "pity me". That's just one of those pious platitudes, like "This hurts me more than it does you," or "Don't make me do something I'll regret." You have no more pity than I do... MAGUS. Atropos cuts loose with a potent electric attack; Tata, suspecting he'll be more useful doing damage control, waits. Magus' team is rocked, but still on their feet. "The war of words didn't go as well as you expected?" sneers Magus. "All right, then..." He hurls a blast of *solid* darkness! MAGUS: Chrono! That's *shadow magic*!...HIS BLONDE LIEUTENANT. HIS BLONDE LIEUTANANT: That's *Magus*; and of course it is... MAGUS. ACIA: We'd better do as Tan says; right now; things are even *worse* than he thinks. I'm getting scared, Acia; scared for *us*... THE FICTATOR. Jazz discovers that one of the enemy left behind a pocketknife; screwdriver, bottle opener, hacksaw, lockpick, seam ripper, shoehorn - everything but a knife blade! Oh, and there are more enemies coming; these are shell-shaped UFOs! Another reason I think I liked *Seven Days* was because it was the ultimate fantasy: the regular thwarting of the two most hateful realities there are - untimely death and smug self-righteousness. ---And that feeling you get just after you dropped the coffee cup, that if you knew juust what to do immediately, you could undo the event. Ye Ed--- Picture: Rant! "I consider myself a practical optimist - that is, I believe, by far, that most people are decent, and that, in general, the world is becoming better as time goes on... All while realizing there are jerks in the world, and that you'll have to deal with them on occasion. But they're few and far inbetween. There are places where jerx tend to congregate - sometimes in places you don't really expect - like surplus stores... I suppose some buy surplus military clothing to help project a badass image, though I'd bet few have the nerve to actually join the military. They tend to be beer fueled B.S.ers and little else. But they're rare. Of all the places I go and have gone, at all times of day and night, I have never had any real problems, even in so called "rough" areas. I'm not sure why. I'm not all that impressive or intimidating, sort of the opposite, really. Goofy and sleepy looking. My guess is all the flak about how violent society has become is exaggerated. The vast majority of people I've met are decent and kind - either that, or I've just been really fortunate..." Scott The author looking at a can of vienna sausages and thinking. "Mechanically separated chicken"..."Beef tripe"... Those have to be code phrases for something gross." Scott Thomas, 9/04 Bad Idea #33 1/3 *(Everybody goes Disco!)* spots the sniper and hastily hides behind the Pirate Ship on a handy skiff. One show I'm rather fond of is Stargate SG1. Nine seasons, and there's still the feeling that characterized the first season of the original Star Trek - that almost *anything* might happen. Along with the other thing that was so nice about ST; interesting characters you can care about. Ye Ed PLOT ELEMENT I'D LIKE TO SEE: The protagonist's mother lives through the SF/Fantasy epic. And chicken tastes like rattlesnake!! ***************************************************************************** FROM RAGS TO RICHES IN TWELVE EASY DEFINITIONS by Ye Ed ALKET: Multiworld, multispecies trade league. ALKETA (PL. ALKETASH): Member state of the Alket. ARESH (SING. AND PL.): State(s) which is/are not members of the Alket. Literally "Outsiders") BRENSTAL: Lawmaking body of the Alket. Alketash have the right to send at least one individual as representative. Decisions are made by a combination of factors including who is present, who cares about the result, and how much. Any laws not cetral (qv) expire over time and must be reconsidered. Also no more than the current detrat(qv) may be in existance at any time. CETRAL: Permanent laws of the Alket. Alketash shall not make war on each other. Alketash may not commit acts of war on each other (including but not limited to piracy, slavetaking, murder, and intentional destruction of property without proper compensation agreed to in advance.) Alketash will contribute to the Eketran(qv). Alketash shall not make war on Aresh unless attacked (see acts of war) or otherwise authorized by the Brenstal.. Punishment for breaking the cetral is expulsion from the Alket. Punishment for breaking any other laws is set out in the law in question. DETRAT: the maximum number of laws that may be in force in the Alket at any time. EKETRAN: Police/armed forces of the Alket. Supported by levies from the member states which may consist of recruits, equipment, or cash. Enforce the laws of the Alket and defend any member state attacked by Aresh. FESTRA: Enslavement of members of one's own Alketa. (Legality depends on laws of member state - see Prestab). GALFANT: Enslavement of members of a different Alketa. (Illegal - see Cetral) PRESTAB: Alketa, rigid 5 caste system, bottom rank hereditary slaves - see Festra). Caste name prefixes from top to bottom: Bri, Sef, Asti, Pron, Wix. RESANT: Combination police office/embassy. Grounds are extraterratorial covered only by Alket rules. Is legally empowered to recruit members for the police force, and negotiate with prospective new Alketash. An Alketa may be of any size. WIXTAPISE: To rise from the bottom of society to the top by quick wit and intelligent risk taking. From Star Admiral (ret) Wixtapa, Brenstal First Speaker, representative of Alketa Wixtapa. ***************************UPCOMING CONVENTIONS****************************** HORRORFIND, Hunt Valley, MD, August 19-21, 2005, http://www.horrorfindweekend.com/ OTAKON, Baltimore, MD, August 19-21, 2005, http://www.otakon.com/ DIVERSICON 13, Bloomington, MN, August 19-21, 2005,http://www.diversicon.org/ ARMADILLO CON, Austin, TX, August 19-21, 2005, http://www.fact.org/dillo/ CONCHORD 19, Woodland Hills, CA, August 26-28, 2005, http://www.conchord.org/ BUBONICON 36, Albuquerque, NM, August 26-28, 2005, http://bubonicon.home.att.net/ BOUCHERCON 2005, Chicago, IL, September 1-4, 2005, http://www.bouchercon.net/ CASCADIA CON 2005, Seattle, WA, September 1-5, 2005, http://www.cascadiacon.org/ DRAGONCON 2005, Atlanta, GA, September 2-5, 2005, http://www.dragoncon.org/ MEPHIT FUR MEET 8, Memphis, TN, Septemeber 2-5, 2005, http://www.mephitfurmeet.org/ COPPERCON 25, Phoenix, AZ, September 9-11, 2005, http://www.coppercon.org/ MIDWEST CONSTRUCTION IV, Kansas City, MO, September 16-18, 2005, http://www.midamericon.org/mwc4.htm FENCON 2004, The Colony, TX, September 23-25, 2005, http://www.fencon.org/ FOOLSCAP VII, Bellevue, WA, September 23-25, 2005, http://www.foolscapcon.org/ ARCHON 29, Collinsville, IL, September 29-October 2, 2005, http://www.archonstl.org/29/ SILICON 2005, San Jose, CA, October 7-9, 2005, http://www.siliconventions.com/ CONJECTURE 4, San Diego, CA, October 7-9, 2005, http://www.conjecture.org/ INTERCON XX MID-ATLANTIC 2005, Hagerstown, MD, October 7-9, 2005, http://www.larpaweb.org/intercon/xx/ CONCLAVE 30, Lansing, MI, October 7-9, 2005, http://www.conclavesf.org/ ARCANA 35, St Paul, MN, October 7-9, 2005, http://pages.prodigy.net/rekal/ ALBACON 2005, Albany, NY, October 7-9, 2005, http://www.albacon.org/ CONTEXT 18, Columbus, OH, October 7-9, 2005, http://www.contextcon.com/ VCON 30, Vancouver, BC, Canada, October 7-9, 2005, http://www.v-con.ca/ CAPCLAVE 2005, Annadale, VA, October 14-16, 2005, http://www.wsfa.org/capc05/ MILEHICON 37, Denver, CO, October 21-23, 2005, http://www.milehicon.org/ OHIO VALLEY FILK FEST 21, North Dublin, OH, October 21-23, 2005, http://www.ovff.org/ BAKURETSU CON, South Burlington, VT, October 21-23, 2005, http://www.bakuretsucon.org/ CONIFUR NORTHWEST, Sea-Tac, WA, October 21-23, 2005, http://www.conifur.org/ NECRONOMICON 2005, Tampa, FL, October 28-30, 2005, http://www.stonehill.org/ ICON 30, Cedar Rapids, IA, October 28-30, 2005, http://www.mindbridge.org/icon/ ***************************************************************************** THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED is published on a monthly schedule more or less and also available from my website at http://www.kayshapero.net/icindex.htm, where you can also find THE CAST LIST, which includes bios of characters in INTERCEPTED and a list of characters currently in play. All of these are text-only. The original INTERCEPTED (hard copy version comprised of ads, inclusions and artwork) is available from 12536 Short Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90066 for $1.75 plus postage (usually 2 oz worth). Hard copy of THE CAST LIST is also available, for $1.00 plus postage a copy. Note the Cast List does NOT contain any artwork; the only difference between the hard copy and downloadable version is that the former is formatted into three columns. Contributions should be sent to me at kayshapero@earthlink.net Back issues of both The Electronic Intercepted, and Intercepted are avail- able; write me for details. Contributions to this thing consist of ads, artwork and inclusions, as fol- lows: ADS: Send all you please; I'm pulling the ad limit (at least for the mo- ment), though I reserve the right to serialize long stuff. If you can submit your contribution via e-mail (kayshapero@earthlink.net), or on a 3.5 floppy as plain text or a Word document, Ye Ed will be very happy with you. Ads are $.02 per line. (Note ad cost is included in the purchase price for the hard copy Intercepted.) Ads (or bios for The Cast List) may be mailed to me, as above. ARTWORK: Artists may receive free or reduced cost hard copy versions. See the hard copy Intercepted for details. INCLUSIONS: These are pretty much anything that is neither artwork or ads, and cost $3.00 per side if I have to copy them and will not show up in the electronic version unless supplied as ascii text. See the hard copy Inter- cepted for details. The editor reserves the right to edit or refuse ads (but rarely does as long as they don't get too gross or ose.) ADS NEXTISH DUE: September 1, 2005 PUBLICATION DATE NEXTISH: September 8, 2005 EDITOR: Kay Shapero SYSOP: Nicolai Shapero Make Life Interesting!