Cover: A basket labeled "Happy Easter" filled with "Eggsecute" Pokemon, being held by a bewildered looking Psi-Duck. by Tracy Kazaleh

THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED

April 2000

   Sorry about that - came back from ConFurence and promptly caught a cold. Anyway, here's the April issue! Ye Ed

Quiddich players do it with four balls.

The "Big Bunny" that the Monster Rancher group decided to use electro-shock therapy on gives a tremendous shudder. Then it starts to shrink down to about a foot tall, becoming a shapeless pink blob! Turns out it isn't the Lab Rabbit after all, but an itinerant Ditto that had wandered into the clearing and had transformed itself into a copy of the giant Wigglytuff. The real Lab Rabbit (who is currently the size of an ordinary bunny) is still in the Chansey's ICU - and is not sick but very dead from having been smashed by several tons of falling Fudd.

GARY MILLER'S WRITER: No, you've got it wrong; there are about half a dozen different Pokémon that look like hares from Hades (Nidorino & Nidorina being the best examples). But only about half of the Hell's Hares are actual Pokémon. The rest are ... well, read on.

What the Eevee said to Higeoyagi in the issue before last was: "Don't you dare touch him, you bully! He has harmed no one! In fact, it was he who was so cruelly used by those evil Hares - those Monster Rancher rejects that started this gang we're in. First they kidnapped him, then they put him in a strange box with buttons on it - the Boss called it a Hare Conditioner - and when they took him out, he was like a zombie that did whatever they told him to. He was HARE-BRAINWASHED! And now ... and now he's dead ... so you just leave his body alone!"

When Higeoyagi makes his accusation, the Eevee glares at him in disgust. "Vee, vee, eevee!" she scolds. "Talking to you is a waste of breath!"

"Calm down," said Tana Miller gently, putting a comforting hand on the agitated Higeoyaji. "I think she's trying to tell us something." The Lapin then turned her attention back to the efforts to bring Blaze back to life.

As Golem was attempting to jump-start the lab rabbit, Tana felt the hand of her mate on her shoulder. With only a brief glance at him, she slipped her own hand onto his, and continued to watch and wait.

The moonstone on the Chansey's wand does have a visible effect on the lifeless Lab Rabbit. Crushed almost flat by the fallen giant gardener, the small white rabbit's body slowly fills out again as broken ribs and other bones are made whole. Soon it appears to be fully restored . . . except that it's still not alive. The bunny's spirit and soul are gone.

With a yelp, the Growlithe vanishes down the reopened plothole . . .

Suezo sees the Antag jab at the Chansey and shouts! "Hey! Leave the Doc alone, you weirdo!!!" and spits a gob of spit that does 20 point of damage to the Antag! (Not from poison, but from force of impact!)

Shocked and outraged by the Antag's assault on the gentle Chansey, the Flareon spits out a Fire Spin, trapping the slug in a spiral of flames.

Suddenly comprehending what the Eevee is up to, the Jolteon yelps, "JOL! Jolteeeeon!" "Little sister, NO! You'll never be an Eevee again!"

With a sorrowful glance at her two brothers, the Eevee touches the pink stone to her forehead. At once her whole body begins to glow blindingly white, growing to half again its original size. Her ears turn broader and catlike, her cheeks become tufted and her tail slims down, adding to her now-feline appearance. Then the tail splits at the tip, stopping midway. The white glow fades away, revealing her new fur to be a pale lavender color. The pink stone has become imbedded in her forehead; it is now a permanent part of her. "Lunareon..." she says softly.

Picture: "talking head" - Valerie addresses the Work Jerk or Honesty in its purest form.
"Yes, I'm polite to you. Why? Well, I'm getting paid to, pure and simple. Ineed this job, specifically I need the paycheck. Next question..."
by Scott Thomas

Unnoticed in all the confusion, a Woozle (who is definitely NOT a Pokémon) sneaks up to the Heffalump and gives it a full-matchbook hotfoot!

"Chu": Japanese for "squeak," the sound a mouse makes.

BREWERY AD: "Beer is the reason we get up each afternoon."

Picture: Dana MzcMillan Speaks!
"There's a town in Mississippi called Hot Coffee..."
by Scott Thomas

If Voldemort had killed Harry Potter, then J.K. Rowling wouldn't have three best-selling books to her name. Phil the Cat

PHIL'S WRITER: I thought you would never ask. ;) Scott Alston asked me about drawing her back in the Beginning , but never had the money or time to follow through. The writer of Crystal the Puma

Crystal sits up, folds her arms across her chest and looks down at Phil. (She's still on top of him.) "We are both naked and I can tell you are felling better. The 'foreplay' (looking at the mess they made inside the tent...) was very fun. But I don't see you putting a 'Cap' on your 'Special Pen', so I thought we should talk about the actions we are about to continue on. Or did you miss that part back in health class?" She unfolds her arms & reaches out & grabs Phil's right hand. She cups it to her left breast. (Nice fit.) "Feel my heart beating with love for you. Why do you want to wait longer? Is it because of our different species? I know I'm a little larger and stronger that you, but not that much. I was raised in the country, you look like a City boy. I am bare of clothes, and I bare my soul to you. I will bare all my past to you, my love. Where do you wish me to start?" She look at him with those deep green eyes and smile hopefully...

Like most cats, Phil can tell when someone is looking at him, and when he sees the conspiring birds, the feline begins writing with his tail.

The birdies were still laughing when they were set upon by what looked like a flock of winged Pac-Men. Closer inspection reveals that the "Pac-Men" have orange skin, stubby legs, and jagged teeth lining their grinning mouths.

One can almost smell the passion burning as the relationship between Phil the Cat and Crystal the Puma continues to heat up ... *sniff-sniff* ... hey, wait a sec - something IS burning, and it's not any passion! While from outside the suddenly too-warm ACME tent, and all-too-familiar voice cries out, "Help! Help! The Puddy-Tats are on fire!"

Yow! Use it in a sentence today.

GO! GO! GOJIRO!
Chapter 11: OMIGODI'MGOINGTOMISSKAY'SDEADLINE!!!!

Naga sneezes causing a ripple in the space-time/plotdevice continuum. Ellie Font gets sucked through and finds herself on the road between Jsut and Aint Gotpork. She and her gravesled are heading towards the city. Several hundred yards away the creature known as Protect-Serve is heading away from Aint Gotpork on a parallel road. Ellie waves as she speeds by.

Picture: Perry TeNeele Speaks!
"One mark of true class is when you have a good insult in mind for someone you dislike, but you choose to keep quiet."
by Scott Thomas

Naga turns to Lina. She waves her forefinger in the smaller woman's face. "You spirited that salesperson away before she could divulge the location of the Claire Bible. Don't deny it, Diminutive Junior Partner. You'd have to get up at the crack of noon to fool me!"

"Why would you give up being Warren Beatty to be president? Every president wants to be Warren Beatty." Alec Baldwin

The crew of the Alice. P. Liddell has just realized that they have maps for the wrong sector of the galaxy. They are lost and have to stop and ask for directions. Somewhere.

Justice Machine 7223 has disassembled most of Jsut without finding Ellie Font. A new plan is called for.

Akané reaches into the fountain to help Joe out, slightly surprised to find that, unlike most of the males of her acquaintance, he seems to keep the same shape after getting soaked. "Are you all right?"

Picture: Dee-Are Shelley wearing a long flannel shirt, and nothing else.
"I was told I was within the dress code if I chose to wear a flannel shirt."
the artist says "Truth! A funny story as told by Terri Barger"
by Scott Thomas

Anne picks up the note and reads it aloud. With a sigh she says, "I'd love to, wouldn't you?" Her companion gives a bark in reply. "But it isn't up to me." She folds the note and starts off. (Author's note: Anne is not in control of her travels, it's involuntary. Only by being in contact with her, does her companion go along. While he doesn't like it, he wears a collar and leash so he won't get left behind. And no, you may not shanghai her.)

Life is a tax-deductible experience.

Upon seeing the Porygon, (and have gotten a taste of its attack,) they go into a huddle and chant. What is chanted is unknown to other aliens or to most humans. A glowing globe appears within their huddle and they back up a bit. A Black-and-Silver creature forms out of the globe. It has a passing appearance to a earth animal, but this one has four powerful legs! The last thing the aliens chant sounds like "GameA SharkA!"...

The "GameA SharkA" hisses and rushes at the Porygon!

The "GameA SharkA" turns from it's headlong rush at the Porygon at the last moment, only to hit it with it's fish-like tail. Whether it hits hard enough to "crack" the Porygon code remains to be seen....

"It always bugs me when people win awards and thank God. God could give a rat's ass if you win an MTV award. Bill Maher

The Washington "Post" asked readers to take words from the dictionary, add, omit or change one letter, and supply a new definition:
     Sarchasm - The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it.
     Reintarnation - Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
     Hipatitis - Terminal coolness.
     Glibido - All talk and no action.
     Inoculatte - Coffee taken intravenously.

"Only a madman or an actor would want to be president of the United States." Mick Jagger

Picture: Bloodstone with a sword and a gleam in her eye. "Those Who Hunt Elves? Bring 'em on, honey, bring 'em on."
by Mike Capriola

Picture: "sleeping head"
"It is possible to sleep in a standing position."
by Scott Thomas

RE GESP: I apologize about blanket statements, especially as I don't want a slave.
     I never meant to imply rape was not an act of violence and brutality. But the victim doesn't need to be sentient for a rapist to act. Otherwise a rapist wouldn't choose an unconscious victim or a very young child. (You can say that those types are chosen because it's less likely to land a rapist in jail. A non-sentient GESP would also fit that requirement. You might get in trouble with SFPCA though.)
     Your example of Fluffy and it's "Master" sounds like rape. If a GESP could be punished if it doesn't please "Master" would make the GESP a yes-being. And someone who only says what it thinks you want to hear doesn't sound intelligently stimulating.
     If the GESP is property, then if sentient it could run away. (If it can't run away or suicide, then probably it isn't sentient.) If Fluffy ran away from "Master", then I at least would equate Fluffy with an abused spouse. And regardless of the law I would hinder "Master" reclaiming Fluffy. If the law says a sentient could be property, the law would be wrong. (Where's the sign-up for the Underground Railroad?)

     Even if the law said she was property, it would probably also say any sex with her was bestiality and illegal ("practiced animal husbandry.. until they caught him at it"). Mind you, anti-misegenation laws doesn't seem to have stopped masters from raping slaves of different races of their own species back in the bad old days. But it sure as heck means "Master" would be in big trouble if Fluffy talked to the authorities.
     I doubt it'd get that far though - the only reason the form of slavery that existed in the US before the Civil War survived was that it was considered vital to the economy of an entire region and most people an escaped slave could expect to encounter inside the region had a vested interest in keeping him enslaved. A STRONG disincentive to changing the way things are, not found in the suggested scenario. Ye Ed

Everyone out of the genetic pool!

"I always thought DNA stood for Dude Needs Apartment." Kato Kaelin

Picture: Monty Ponders Stuff
"Y'hear people say 'I wouldn't do that', whatever 'that' maybe. Betcha a lot of 'em would if they thought they wouldn't get caught at it."
by Scott Thomas

Whatever effected the heroes, briefly effects others around them: The pirates who had been naked inside the Tank with Zone, sport tight shorts and T-shirts with the changed image of her in it. It's a rather sexy pose with the words "Get Zoned! - Join the Fan Club" on it. (Other pirates nearby just get black T-shirts with the Skull-and-Crossbones on them and the word "Pirate" on it...) The Tigress briefly sports a Furdye Tattoo on her back which reads "The Black Barge can kiss my Furry......" -the rest hidden by her shorts "Can you?" on the back of her legs... The Slaves with Riposte sport T-shirts with his picture and a bottle of a sports-drink on it & the words, "Get Hyper with me!"

Lina Inverse loses the cape and her hair grows to cover her breasts (Lost her top too.) She only clothing was a long black loincloth with the words, "Don't mess with this Witch! (Unless you're Cute)". Ellie Font wears for a moment a form fitting Spandex Spacesuit with the words, "I'm Selling, You Buying?". The pirate Captain wears a T-shirt with "Me ship gets boarded and all I get is the @#$% T-Shirt (and 3th degree hurts)" on it. MSM sports a holely T-shirt with the words "I know seven ways to Sunday to kill you, but it's Saturday night so let's Party!!". The Captain's Kids sport ones with "Ever been to the Crow's nest at Midnight?" and "Big Girls need Love Too." - ((Happy April All))

"WIMPS!!??!" The air is suddenly a bit colder in the hold of the pirate ship. Then, every pirate that is able to is throwing their make-shift weapon at Lina!! The air fills with belaying pins, cargo hooks, steak knives, fire axes, small block n' Tackles, three large "Snow globes", a large guard's flashlight (hold 6 D cells), 8 skulls of whatever that critter was in the hold, ropes weighed with razor blades, sand buckets, "Honey Pots"; half full, and a Ship's bible! And, from the ship cook, a string of old, stale, hard-as-a-rock, peppered sausages that wrap around Lina's neck and Pops her in the mouth!

"That's me Crew," the Captain says with a bit of pride in his voice. "get them mad and they come through every time. Watch it with that blowtorch, Lass. I be 'Cooked' enough as it is." turning his attention back to MSM and her freeing him from the ice...

"You know, I've actually had two children with the same woman. That's certainly a sign of maturity, don't you think? James Caan

Your money or your lifestyle!

Picture: antennaed female "talking head"
"You 'spect me t' believe that load, dontcha?"
by Scott Thomas

YE ED: Some sort of ridged plastic tile perhaps? Or special shoes? I better order up lots of lemon meringue pies. What else might be proper ammo? The Kindly Spirit

- Shoes - we don't want anybody who slips scraping themselves. Cans of whipped cream work nicely so long as the users remember not to throw them. Ye Ed -

Ye Ed looks over to see Ricki Raccoon and John Medor enter the Party Barge. "Welcome! That way to the pool, that way to the buffet, and up that way to the view deck. There's other stuff around here too - just look!"

And then here comes Lum and Ataru. "Welcome," says Ye Ed with a grin, "The food's over there, the foodfight room will be over there as soon as we can set up. Take your pick."

Ying tong biddle ap ho!

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." Heddy Lamarr

Donuts are a renewable resource!

Outside the office of the Leader of Cheesecake Squad. "Is she any better?" One squader asks another.
"No, she is still in shock. She just rocks in her chair, saying 'No-one voted. No-one voted...' "
"We may have to have You lead us. That patrol is still missing.."

Fish heads, fish heads rollypolly fish heads!

Picture: Rhodette Speaks!
"I consider myself a Christian Darwinist. I like to believe there is a God, but it's obvious evolution works. To my knowledge, the Bible doesn't give much detail on Creation, so why couldn't evolution be used."
by Scott Thomas

"I can meet a Nobel Prize-winning physicist and he'll say, "You're Mork, aren't you? How's Mindy?" Robin Williams

Meanwhile, on the wide open plain the space cleared inside the CF's writer mind had become, a lone figure works. She was replanting the ideas the Cheesecake Squad had found stuck in the His Writer's block and had saved them before they blew it to Kingdom Come. It was a bit warm, so she had stripped to the waist. She worked carefully, giving each idea room to grow. Every hour or so, she would stop to wipe the sweat from her body. (You didn't just think we were going get rid of that block of that for you and leave you to clean up the mess we made, did you?)

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Picture: Dana's Checkered Past... (Dana Cohen)
"Look, I never done nothin' to no-buddy that didn't do somethin' to me first."
by Scott Thomas

Ants follow the little folk.
Bell warns of danger.
Cat honorable warrior
Dormice frighten captives
Enemies prefer to steal
Fox cunning and cruel
Guosim allies and friends
Hare good humored master trencherbeasts
Ironbeak feared fighter of the northland
Jess champion climber
Kestrel winged friend
Loamhedge lost but not forgotten
Martin guardian spirit
Nadaz Voice of the Host
Owl poet and warrior
Polecat ruler in darkness
Quest for the lost
Rhymes that hide yet reveal
Salamanastron mountain of fire lizards
Tapestry heart of the Abbey
Urthwyte living ghost
Viper poisontooth hunter
Warbeak young Sparra Queen
Xylograph aging to perfection
Youth seeks adventure
Zooming otters through water

R-rrredwall!!!!

Picture (copy of flier for LEXFA April Meeting): Tinker Belle From Hell Speaks!
"Go fly a Kite, or a reasonable faximile... this is a outdoor meeting. The shelter has a grille if you wish to cook out. Bring yourself, a friend or two, maybe somoe drinks or food and let's hope the weather cooperates."
"Remember - Sunday, April 9,2000, Masterson Staton Park Shelter #1, 2:00 PM."
by Scott Thomas

I have fun, therefore I am.

The mist cleared, it was afternoon and Anne was by a long shallow pool. The pool seemed to be designed to reflect the tall white obelisk at one end. She could see buildings on either side of the grassy area she was in. There were lots of people about this park. Then the attention of everyone was caught by the sound of a flying machine. The vehicle did not have wings, just a large rotating wheel on top that kept it aloft. The vehicle seemed out of control, zigzagging and nearly flipping over. The sound of the engine died and the machine came down in the middle of the pool. The people gathered about and applauded. "That must be one good flier." Anne said.

"YOUR FIRST QUESTION IS?" Lolacuteass asks of Carter..

Edison watches the production number, camera buzzing happily along. He grins at the introduction of Lolacuteass, and applauds when the scene is finished. He then extends the microphone to Lolacuteass. "Hello, Lolacuteass, you are now Live and Direct with Edison Carter. Please tell us a little about yourself."

A Toon-Borg Lola? Do you know the carnage that will result when the furverts and the Trekkies fight each other over who she'll assimilate first? Phil the Cat

Find a need and fool it.

Seen In An Office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

The mist boiled down, Anne was high up a mountain. She saw a group of people standing in front of a large shining mirror. Then the mirror slid aside, throwing dust into the air. The people entered and the door slid shut.

More things that didn't come to pass:
     Mars colony
     Discovery of La Dorada
     Bolo Mark I (well, there's still over half the year to go)
     Return of Arthur Rex
     Alien contact/invasion (conspiracy theories aside)
     Manned space station/colony
     Raising the Titanic
     Missile defense system.

Space station depends on your definition - we shouldn't forget Skylab and Mir.


WHILE WE DO NOT ADVOCATE ASTROLOGY, WE ARE PROVIDING HOROSCOPES FOR THOSE OF YOU UNABLE TO MAKE DAY-TO-DAY DECISIONS REGARDING YOUR LIFE.

Aries: Stop banging your head against the wall.
Taurus: Stay out of china shops.
Gemini: You aren’t really a two-faced bastard despite what everyone says.
Cancer: Expect an agonizing death.
Leo: Go after Aries. Yum yum.
Virgo: Yeah, like we believe that one.
Libra: Hire a really good lawyer, but expect to spend some time making license plates.
Scorpio: You are dangerous when threatened.
Sagittarius: Did you get your deer yet?
Capricorn: You are the Messiah, the King of the Jews. You tend to turn the other cheek, but moneylenders set you off.
Aquarius: Pisces depends on you.
Pisces: You’re all wet. Be good to Aquarius.
Feces: Life is not a bowl of cherries this week. Be careful where you step.


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance. - Tales From The Typo File

Addicted To Animé! (Drugs would be cheaper.)

The mist dissolved, Anne was in a forest by a wide clearing. The trees that ringed the clearing were gnarled, stunted and choked with brambles. There was nothing growing in the clearing except the dark ivy that shrouded the tower at the heart. It was raining and had been for some time as the ground was mass of mud. The winds swirled about seemingly centered on the tower. "I don't want to seek shelter here," Anne said pulling her hood and cloak closed. With a whine her companion agreed, so they set their backs to the tower and headed into the forest.

My life is a patio of fun.

THE SCORE CARD
As of This Issue.....
In the Pokébattle Acetylene Lamp
Gary & Tana Miller
Hamegg
Hell's Hares
Higeoyaji
Jo, Vicky & Micky
Lisaine, Virain & H'rril
Lots of Pokémon
Team Rocket
The Giant Elmer Fudd
On The Titanic... Dr. Brown
Dr. Who
Freakazoid
Harry Flashman
Hiroshima
The Luggage family
Whoever belongs there...
Outside Westport Organics Droopy Dog
Mary Sue Myerbeer
The Cloaked Figure
The Pirates
The Superheroes (Riposte, Power Bull etc.)

If I don't see some action on the Titanic by next issue, that part of the scorecard will be dropped. Hello??? Ye Ed

Picture: Dana and the Other Dana
Fire and Explosions constitute legitimate amusement Out in the Boonies...
The two Danas carrying various implements of mayem Pointer to long pistol in Dana MacMillan's hand reads"Remington XP-100 target pistol chambered for .308"
Dana MacMillan: "I mixed me up a two-liter jug of bathtub napalm, an' I'm gonna shoot it with them tracer rounds my Unca Doc sent me."
Dana Cohen "Havin' that old fluorospar mine on our property is handy for testin' stuff. I made me a Molotov cocktail... Doc said 'e would bring 'is beer can mortar. It'll blow a beer can fulla ceement a hunderd yards... Iffen I can get that effin' ol' surplus generated started, I wanna fire up that three million volt Tesla Coil I built..."
by Scott Thomas

*********************************************************************************************

THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED is published on a monthly schedule (save for January, which is skipped, with February being double sized and available from Stormgate Aerie BBS, 1-310-822-6729, as is THE CAST LIST, which includes bios of characters in INTERCEPTED and a list of characters currently in play, updated on an issue by issue basis. INTERCEPTED is also available by mailing list - send me your eddress and I'll add you to it. There is also the HTML version (also text-only I'm afraid) available off my website at http://pw2.netcom.com/~nshapero/icindex.htm. The original INTERCEPTED (hard copy version comprised of ads, inclusions and artwork) is available from 12536 Short Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90066 for $1.75 plus postage (usually 2-3 oz worth; for a total of $2.30/$2.53 in the US, higher elsewhere.) Hard copy of THE CAST LIST is also available, for $1.00 plus postage a copy. Note - the Cast List does NOT contain any artwork - the only difference between the hard copy and downloadable version is that the former is formatted into three columns.

Ads & things can also be sent to me via the Internet at kay.shapero@salata.com.

Back issues of both The Electronic Intercepted, and Intercepted are available; write me for details.

Contributions to this thing consist of ads, artwork and inclusions, as follows:

ADS: Each member is allowed up to 90 lines of text (called "ads" for historical reasons - this thing started out in a Personals column), divided up however you please.

One Line = 55 characters or less, including spaces. (note - this reflects the width of columns in the printed version - I'm formatting the electronic version to 65 because it's single column)

Ads are $.02 per line. (Note - ad cost is included in the purchase price for the hard copy Intercepted.) Ads (or bios for The Cast List) may be mailed to me, or sent via StormGate Aerie in the message area for same.

ARTWORK: Artists may receive free or reduced cost hard copy versions. See the hard copy Intercepted for details.

INCLUSIONS: These are pretty much anything that is neither artwork or ads, and cost $3.00 per side if I have to copy them and will not show up in the electronic version unless supplied as ascii text. See the hard copy Intercepted for details.

The editor reserves the right to edit or refuse ads (but rarely does as long as they don't get too gross or ose.)

ADS NEXTISH DUE: May 1, 2000
PUBLICATION DATE NEXTISH: May 8, 2000

EDITOR: Kay Shapero
SYSOP: Nicolai Shapero

Make Life Interesting!