Cover: "The Inkus", anvil shaped Bong homeship floating menacingly in space... by Michael Susko Jr.

THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED

March 2000

   Sorry about that folks - in the shuffle I managed to mislay several sets of ads from last issue, so they're in here. If you didn't see your ads and don't see them now, please let me know. Ye Embarrassed Ed
  Meanwhile, you should have a copy of your current alias list enclosed with this unless I forget. I'm also appending a complete list of all aliases currently registered. Some of these guys haven't been seen in years - please do consider deleting aliases you're not using. You won't lose title to your own invented characters even if they're not listed...

*Sigh* ... You Were a Good Man, Charles Schulz.

     The black disc soaring high in the air is small - no bigger than a dinner plate - but it descends toward a disconsolate Lola Bunny with a precision that speaks of guidance.
     When the "mini-ufo" is no more than a few feet above the unsuspecting rabbit, it blossoms into a toon top hat and lands jauntily on her head...

Lola stares out into space for a moment. She then lifts a hand up to the rim of the hat. She then lifts her other hand up & gives a finger-snap! "One......... Singular...Sensation... Every little move she makes.." She belts out before the hat glows....

...And proceeds to suck Lola inside with a {SHOOP},dropping to the ground.

From inside the hat can be heard two things: One, a tune; "Lidsville is the coo-coo-Koookiest!" and Two, Lola Screaming! "Nooooo! I want to see my Agent!" In time, the screaming stops.....

     An antenna rises from the fallen topper and begins to broadcast a signal. Moments later, two figures materialize: as is typical, one is comparatively tall and lean, the other short and stocky. They both reach for the hat at once.
     "I was here first!" objects "Shorty", sounding as if he has blocked sinuses.
     "I'm the team leader!" says the other in a supercilious tone.
     The two are still squabbling as they vanish again, taking their captive - where?

FOUND: Ring. Identify to Bilbo Baggins, Bag End, the Shire

Other characters have similar "Close Encounters":
     (1) Some members of the Great Intercepted! Band didn't come back from a lunch break. They were last seen wearing "straw" hats & playing Dixieland Music before "POP" they were gone.
     (2) A scouting patrol of the Cheesecake Squad didn't report back on their mission. A witness said he saw them wearing Knit caps and Riverdancing....
     (3) Reports of Unprocessed Escaped Slaves (No Silver cords on them), while trying to get back to their plotlines, being seen wearing Skull caps & doing Gregorian chants...

"Justice Machine" is a contradiction in terms.

PERSONAL AD: Washu, call home. All is forgiven. Tokimi

The mist slipped away. It was night but a golden-yellow light surrounded Anne. The glow formed a hexagon pattern on a long straight broad avenue she was standing on. Ahead she could see several groups. The one closest to the end wall of the avenue was made up of a naked human, a similar-sized duck and a grey blob. A little behind them was a pair of centaurs, one of which was carrying a large lizard. The third group was several more duck-like creatures and coming up fast behind them a couple of ponies. "There's nothing here." Anne thought, turning away to see where the other end of the avenue led.

A note floats down from out of nowhere and lands in front of Anne.
     Dear Lady, would thou meet with me for tea? It would be at the Lonely Gazebo on the hidden path along the way between Imagination and Reality.
     Your Servant, A Quiet Soul

WANTED: Research assistant for unconventional scientist. Should be free of family ties, moral impediments, and outdated concepts of mercy. Free medical procedures available. Extensive knowledge of movies a plus. If you are ambitious, obedient, and willing to give your all for science, contact Dr. C. Forrester, Deep 13.

     "A shooting star will shoot you,
     And Mars will go to war;
     The Man in the Moon will jump on you
     If you don't love me no more..."

FLASHBACK:
How Higeoyagi 'Got Better'

     Avernio looks gloomily at the new arrival who's just dropped in through a plothole. A stocky, bald toon with a big white mustache. "A Comedy Animé toon!" the Wizard snarls. "They don't bleed either!"
     Avernio's conscience, tired of useless preaching, decides to "do it himself" and carefully pours a drop of clear blue liquid into the unconscious Higeoyaji's mouth. The feisty little toon sits up, instantly cured.
     "Hey, don't waste that!" complains Avernio. "It's the best potion I ever - urk!"
     "Where am I?" growls Higeoyaji, reaching up to grab the wizard by the throat. "And where are those damn tricky bunnies?!"
     "Think - must be - back there -" gasps an understandable cooperative Avernio, gesturing toward the still-open plothole.

Back in the present, before Lamp can answer Gary Miller's question, another plothole opens and a young boy wearing a cap and a self-satisfied expression leans out. No, he's not that brash young lad, although there is a certain cultural resemblance. "My name is Shinichi, sir. I'm afraid your friend will be a little delayed; he borrowed my big brother's watch on the way back... I'd also like..." An outrageously cute, yet somehow sexy bunny with enormous ears appears beside him... "We'd like to say what a pleasure it is to meet you and your wife." Then the plothole closes, and the two are gone.

WHERE TO NOW?

     Gary Miller was only mildly surprised by the sudden arrival of Shinichi, and when he noticed Bokko (aka Bonnie Bunny), he smiled with delight.
     "A pleasure to meet you, too," said the Human as the two Tezuka characters departed. Not long after that, his Lapin wife walked up to him.
     "The Pokémon is okay now," said Tana. "But you scared her badly, I'm afraid."
     Gary signed ruefully and replied "Well, once we've gotten everyone back together, I'll go back and apologize." He then looked to where the raft was, to see if it had been smashed by the Giant Gardener, and then turned back to Tana and asked "Where's that boy who went with you?"

Gravity and Muzak are my friends!

The Wigglytuff beams at the Jigglypuff, then unscrews the bottom of her marking pen to pull out a smaller pen which she gives to her child. She resumes sketching on the giant Fudd's dome, adding a perfect image of a Gigglyfluff (the pre-evolved form of a Jigglypuff).

Realizing what the Chansey is attempting to do, the Flareon tries to come up with some tears. Alas, the best he can do is produce steam from his eyes; his body temperature is so high, the tears keep evaporating.

The Growlithe glances at the group surrounding the deceased Lab Rabbit, but it arrived too late to be concerned enough to shed any tears. Turning away, it sniffs at the ground where the plothole was that James and Jo fell through. With a snort, it begins digging, trying to reopen the hole.

It doesn't take much digging for the Growlithe to discover that the plot hole is still there, under the top layer of dirt...

HELL'S HARES' SECOND IN COMMAND: Unfinished business! Higeoyaji

     The Hare that is part of the Monster Rancher crowd bears a striking resemblance to the surviving non-Pokémon members of the Hell's Hares. Speaking of whom, they start to look VERY nervous at the sight of the newcomers, and while everyone else is gathered about the body of their "brother," they start to edge away, seeking to vanish into the bushes...
     Gary Miller gaped at the vice-leader of the Hell's Hares (shouldn't they be called Purgatory's Pokémon?) with a mixture of puzzlement and outrage. He then looked to where the giant gardener lay, and when he saw the furry white legs of the ex-Lab Rabbit, the Human's face fell and he moaned "Oh, geez..."
     As he held his head in his hands, Tana gasped when she saw Blaze's body. But before the Lapin could say or do anything, the Eevee rushed up and began to say Something Very Important. After a moment, Tana crouched near where the Eevee stood so she could hear her better.

     "Don't-you-scold-me!" Higeoyaji growls at the Eevee. He points at "Blaze's" still form. "Do you know what he did? He joined forces with his own kidnappers! He turned his back on friends who were busting their butts trying to help him."
     "And he abandoned a doe who cared for him... who, after all this will probably still grieve for him."

The Eevee weeps quietly, but it's mostly because she has a feeling that it will take more than tears to resurrect the Lab Rabbit. Crossing over to where she had left her own motorbike (unlike Jolteon's, it was intact), she withdraws a silvery-gold box from a storage compartment. Opening it reveals three shining stones -- one blue, one green and one pink. Two empty slots indicate that there had been a couple others as well. With a slightly trembling paw, the Eevee picks up the glowing pink stone . . .

     "Wow, that's a Big Bunny." Hare says once he sees the Sick Lab Rabbit.
     "Heh, you related to it or does it owe you money?" Tiger-of-the-Wind asks.
     "Watch it, Tiger." The hare turns toward the blue & white Wolf-like monster as if to fight.
     "Anytime, Hare."
     "Grrrr", they both stare and growl at each other. A pair of very large stone hands picks them both up!
     "NO Fighting." Golem says. "Big Bunny sick. Needs our help."
     Hare & Tiger manage to stick their heads out between the fingers of the giant monster. "Ok, Ok, We'll help. Just put us down."

     Holly, Suezo & Genki try to understand the Chansey, but to no luck. Then little Mocchi says "Mocchi understand chi!"
     "Really, Mocchi. What do we need to do?" Holly asks.
     "Chi, It makes Mocchi's head hurt." The little monster rubs a "hand" on it's head.
     "Mocchi," The boy, Genki rests a hand on Mocchi's small shoulder.
     "Just do your best." Mocchi looks at the one who unlocked his disk and draws strength from him.
"Mocchi try! Mocchi try hard."

     "Are you sure this what we have to do?" Tiger asks as wires run from his horns up to and are wrapped around the large hands of Golem.
     "It seems to please the 'Chansey'." Hare calls out from some equipment.
     "Again Golem!"
"CLEAR!" Golem places his wire-wrapped hands on the lab rabbit where the Chansey had marked.
     "TORPEDO!" Tiger shouts as his horns glow with Electric Power! It runs up the wires and acts like a shock of a "De-Fib-u-Later" on the sick lab rabbit.

     Vicky trips over what looks like a very round rock, picks it up, and dusts it off. It is a small, round clear crystal. She looks at it dubiously, and is grabbed by the Chansey! The Chansey holds up the crystal over the lab rabbit and, after screwing it into a weird looking wand with a crescent moon on it, says "Chansey chan-chan-chancey!", does a weird dance and points it at the rabbit!
     [Translation: "Moon Healing Power Activation!"]

RE: THE SUBTITLED JAPANESE VERSION OF THE POKÉMON MOVIE. You can most likely find a copy at any decent fantasy/sci-fi convention (San Diego Comic Con is a likely one). Or try a Japanese import shop, if you know of one that sells animé lose to where you live. Myself, I'm trying to locate subtitled copies of the "forbidden" Japanese Pokémon TV episodes.

     When the flash of the thunder wave attack clears, Antag stands unharmed, one of his wrist-spikes touching the ground, grounding him.
     "Bred to deal with electrical attacks," says Hamegg.
     An ingrate as well as a poor sport, Antag jabs the Chansey with his spike, which is also a paralysis sting.

Hamegg tosses a second pokéball. "Go..." The ball disgorges a pachyderm-like creature whose lavender-and-fuchsia stripes make it look like it's wearing a pair of pajamas. "Heffalump!"

HAMEGG: Heffa - now just a darn minute! A Heffalump isn't a pok - Oh, forget it! I'm busy!" The Fictator, going back to snuggling with Acia.

Are you sure it isn't a Donfan?

The Heffalump expands to the Wigglytuff's size and strikes with it's confusion attack.

Heffalump switches to his water gun - but with Wigglytuff's shrinking, only hits the giant gardener.

ARACHIBUTYROPHOBIA, fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

"P-CHAN!" A dark haired woman runs up to Jo and grabs the piglet out of his hands. "Thank you for finding P-chan for me!" She bows.

Jo looks at Akané with a bewildered face and says "Akané Tendo!" And falls over backwards into the fountain going "Ugh... *thud*".

James stands up and simply says "Huh?"

There is much for Jazz to try to grab in the sky ahead: Carrots (orange, olivedrab, one gold), ammo orbs (normal, fireball), and an icon of his own face that hangs directly over a patch of different-colored ice.

     "Have some fire, Frosty!" yelled Jazz evilly as he squeezed-off several rounds of Toaster fire at the snowmen. But his grin fell when he noticed the low ammunition warning on his wrist computer.
     "Rats!" cursed the hare, switching to Blaster mode. "Gotta forage for ammo." Lacing-back his ears, Jazz began spraying the snowmen with little white energy bolts, all the while weaving back and forth to avoid getting hit by their icy missiles. And when his snowy foes were within a few yards, Jazz took a flying leap forward and sailed over the snowmen. When he landed, the furry adventurer took a brief look behind to see what the snowmen were doing, and made a dash for the carrots. As he ran, Jazz looked for any snow masses which could start an avalanche.

Ricki Raccoon is still reading the Jazz Jackrabbit subplot in Intercepted. "Typical dragon!" she hisses in reaction to Spyro's latest antics.

Thought I didn't know, didn't you?

     "Ricki", says John Medor, joining her, "don't you think you're being a bit unfair?"
     The little raccoon gives him a stubborn pout, then sighs. "Well - hey, John, we'd better get going! We don't want to miss this Millennial party!"
     John looks anxious. "But, Ricki!... What about our guest roles in the Bong subplot?"
     Ricki smiles, her good humor restored for now. "Oh, John, this is Intercepted; No one's going to mind if we're in two places at once!"

A lot of people REALLY like Mewtwo? Especially females? Could it have something to do with the fact that Mewtwo is like a cross between Vegita and Magneto? Phil the Cat

I've got half a mind to take the fifth!

This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communications. Western Union Memo 1876...

     Blank Reg had just started broadcasting one of his old, free videos, featuring a fat transvestite singing "Walk Like a Man," when Max Headroom spoke up.
     "Somethin's what?" asked the old punk, glancing up from the VCR. He looked to the monitor where Max was on display and saw several Bellsprouts clinging to it.
     "Oy!" he exclaimed, moving towards the screen to get a better look. "Where th' 'eck did you come from?"
     Before Reg could get a better look at the Bell-sprouts, his guard dog Fang trotted up to the monitor and gave one of the leafy yellow Pokémon a sloppy lick.

YOU MAY BE AN OTAKU IF...While watching the Pokémon episode of South Park, you think to yourself "The kids should have called him Garrison-sensei, not Garrison-san."

The same Aliens who found it takes a lot of Bellsprouts to make a meal, find that if you stuff one WeepingBell full of Spoo & bake 30 minutes, it serves 20....

The Aliens who have decided that they are going to try and catch some of the Bell Sprouts and a Weeping Bell are confronted by a Porygon, which comes zapping out of the station's computer, after dropping a few Bell Sprouts off in Max's direction. The Porygon then looks at the Aliens and says "Poryyy!" and lets loose a thunder attack!

     As Zone climbs out of the tank, there is a faint thunder-like rumble, and for just a moment, she appears to change... her bust expands, and her waist narrows - and it isn't that her costume's too tight, because it's shriveled to a skimpy two-piece outfit. Then it - and she - return to normal.
     At the same time, Power Bull's armor loses its stainless steel shine and becomes a dingy, gunmetal grey. Then it, too, reverts to normal.

     Outside, Riposte has rounded up the rest of the slaves and is again telling the crowd to "stay put!" when a dark shadow seems to fall on him for a moment, (making him look more intimidating). "No," he whispers, and (like the others) reverts to normal.
     If they are asserting themselves... he switches back to hypersense mode and scans the Captain's Cabin long-range. Is he in time to detect the scam, or is he deceived? Time will tell.

Power Bull has his own idea of what might have provoked what just happened. His recording of the Bunny's death, which indicates she might not have died alone...

The tigress nods her head in thanks to Powerbull, trying to hold in another outburst. But the look she aims at Ellie Font & Lina Inverse speaks volumes....

     "Wimps! That was just a Freeze arrow. Geez!" Lina Inverse "Now if you want to see REAL magic, I can show you real magic..."
     Lina shifts arms and floats slightly above the deck. Her cape flows and she seems to be surrounded by darkness as she starts to chant. A ball of energy begins to form in her hands. "Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows..." [to be continued next episode...]

O.J. JINJO: "Not everyone trusts a truly free gift." The cyberbear feels for & finds a chair & sits down a little closer to the screens. "Tell me what else is going on." Lt. Bear

TO ALL ON THE PIRATE SHIP: Ok, all those screens last issue will stand. - The Pirates' Writer

MOVIE QUOTE OF THE YEAR: "No, Buzz, I am your father."

BIBLIOPHOBIA, fear of books.

And in local news, you just read this ad. Thank you.

THE CLOAKED FIGURE: While you're (justly) praising Kirby, don't forget how clearly he knew, for most of his career, who should win the battle between good and evil.

"Dear Cheesecake Squad," the Cloaked Figure's writer typed, "despite your gracious disclaimer, I feel I must give you thanks for your recent efforts to eliminate my writer's block. You will be pleased to hear my head is no longer shaking, and the steam should stop shooting from my ears any day now. You have been most helpful in helping me recognize the source of my block (or rather, what used to be my block, is now a large empty space in my mind). The original idea I had for the characters the Cloaked Figure, Bud, and Sheira was that they would meet in a titanic clash, the CF would be defeated and destroyed... and so, apparently, would Sheira, sacrificing herself to save Bud. Bud, who you may recall was originally sucked into the Intercepted newsletter from the real world, would find himself returned there, powerless and alone... until a pair of soft furry arms wrapped themselves around him from behind, and a voice asked "What took you so long?" It would have been heart-warming. The CF is refusing to go along. He's insisting that DARNED if he's going to be destroyed, he's the supervillain here, and I should go climb my thumb if I think HE'S going to cooperate with this. Adding to the confusion, Bud and Sheira aren't gelling the way they should be. With all of them fighting me - and those who think writers are the ones who control how a story goes have never had to deal with characters determined not to go that way - I can't progress the way I'd intended. So until I can figure out a plotline acceptable to all of them, I'll have to mark time. Fortunately with the CF, that's easy; I just give him his head, and he starts chewing the scenery.

- By all means take your time- the CF is a hoot! Ye Ed -

The Cloaked Figure takes one look at the Cheesecake Squad's proposal to do a beautification project on HIM, and promptly goes in the expected direction. Namely, right over the top. "WHAT?!?!?" he shrieks, "you dare - DARE??? - regard me as a candidate for a... a MAKEOVER?!?!? This is UNACCEPTABLE! UNTENABLE!! NOT A CHANCE, CHARLIE!!! Do not even CONSIDER such an idea!! I am a WORLD CONQUEROR!!! WORLD CONQUERORS ARE NOT *SUPPOSED* TO BE PRETTY!!! (Well, unless they're female, a Japanese bishonen character, or certain toons. Those groups have different labor unions and can get away with murder.) But that is neither here nor there," he resumed. "What IS here and there is that I *FORBID* any effort on your part to... to... to BEAUTIFY me!! The IDEA!!! BAH! BAH! And BAH, again!! My basic role, after all, is as a VILLAIN!! (note the correct spelling) Not a fashion model, but a VILLAIN!!! An all enveloping, basic black cloak; an aura of mystery and menace; the occasional psychotic laugh: WHAT MORE DO I NEED??" "And for all of you considering voting for me in this little contest," he said to the INTERCEPTED readership in a voice of subtle menace and overt dementia, "don't forget, I still have... THIS!" He held up one hand, realized it was covered by his cloak and looked like a flipper, and hastily drew the cloak aside to reveal... a finger. (No, not THAT finger!) Rather, the one that wreaked havoc on the pirate ship, not so long ago. "Don't make me use it," he hissed, flexing it ominously.

CALIGYNEPHOBIA, fear of beautiful women.

That explains it, the authors I don't care to read write the non-modified other sentient EarthDwellers.

Other sf books about unmodified dolphins include World of Ptavvs by Larry Niven, The Probability Broach by L. Neil Smith, and Dolphin Island by Arthur C. Clark. Phil the Cat

     H's newest attack doesn't even make Azala or Tyrano flinch; it's as if they're getting more resistant - or somehow she weaker?
     "I know what's wrong!" calls Atropos, pulling out what looks like a flask and scattering the contents into the air causing a sparkling glow to appear around all three members of the team. "Do it now!" says Atropos to H.

As soon as Atropos said "now", H is doing a tail stand with wings wide and legs spread with talons pointed at Tyrano, her 9 heads aimed at Azala giving low and C+ sonics with lightning at the two.

Gawd! GM's live for days like this! B.A., KODT

"I'm here, children," says Thianc, standing beside them at the 'North Pole', smiling a bit at the last question the fauns asked. Asking a hippogriffowl if she can tend a wound is like asking Tan if he's strong. She looks carefully at what the fauns show her, examining with her empathy as well as her eyes...

LADY THIANC: Kettan doesn't tell everything about a person so all we know is you're a mystic of the highest order. We are all techs not builders so we debug what the Powers that Be mess up. Fauns

BRANDY LEE: And "Cub-lamb" sounds like the kid's going to explode.. Ralph

BRANDY LEE: I know we just got here, but that 'Millennial Party" sounds like fun - and they have private rooms, too. What do you say? Ralph

RALPH: As long as they are ours, I don't care what the kids are called! As to the party? Let's go. Brandy

And in Megakat City, a squad of what look like giant mice made of riveted-together sheet metal make their way down the deserted streets.

Chance is a word void of Sense: nothing can exist without cause. - Voltaire - Thoughts

LOST: Silver Imperium Crystal. Has great sentimental value. If found, contact Neo-Queen Serenity or King Endymion c/o Crystal Tokyo

YE ED: A part of Poor Ned's bad rep is blaming the victim. He was afraid of his century's equivalent to downsizing; however wrong or foolish his methods, it was not an unreasonable fear... N.L.

- Never said it was. Wouldn't be the first time someone got drowned by the wave of the future, even if he saw it coming. Ye Ed -

     The Arctophile rolls himself out of bed the morning after his typically lonely New Year's Eve. He takes one of his teddy bear collection off the dresser.
     "Morning, Deirdre," he says. Plush and stuffing he thinks. A teddy can't return your love.
     But it can accept it unconditionally.

Deirdre is based on a real teddy bear.

The mist retreated, Anne was in a square before a large massive building. On the steps were two impressively dressed people, one male, one female and a leopard. The people lined the square for in the center of the square what looked like a giant mobile was hung As she watched a young man wearing only a cloth emerged from the mobile carrying a bejeweled circlet. The crowd roared, with anger or triumph Anne could not tell. There's a tale here, Anne thought resting her hand on her companion's head.

SYNGENESOPHOBIA, fear of relatives.

RE: GENENGINEERED SEXUAL PLAYTHINGS: Never doubt that anything would be done that isn't any weirder than some of the things that are done...

RE GENE ENGINEERED SEXUAL PLAYTHINGS (HEREAFTER CALLED GESPS): I'm not sure blanket statements can be made about the preferences of those who'd be interested in such creatures. There would undoubtedly be some who'd want a GESP that was like a stereotypical blonde: Beautiful, built, and brainless. But there might well be others who would insist that their GESPs be as clever as possible, relishing the added dimensions that that would allow. On the positive side, an intelligent plaything could provide pleasures out of the bedroom as well as within, through conversation, artistic endeavor, and domestic activities. On the dark side... Well, if Fluffy the sex bunny is intelligent enough to know that failing to please 'Master' to his satisfaction earns her a punishment that leaves her sobbing and in pain for days afterwards, is there much doubt she'll use every IQ point she has to keep 'Master' as happy as possible? No matter what? As for rape: Whether accomplished by drugs, force, or blackmail, despite the sexual overtones it is an act of violence and brutality. Just like a beating or a killing. And as with those, it's an act in which sentience on the part of the victim is not required.

TO MY DEAR BELL-CHAN: It was the happiest wrong number of my life. K-1

In other news, Ms. Blanca Basura was dated by a Moron.

To commemorate the arrival of the Year 2000, here is a list of some of the things, good and bad, which have not come to pass;
     Moonbase Alpha
     Soylent Green
     HAL 9000
     Skynet
     Household Androids
     Household Androids with the voice of Robin Williams
     Anti-gravity vehicles
     The Eugenics War
     Holo-vision
     Smell-O-Vision
     The Second Coming of Jesus
     The Second Coming of Elvis
     President Colin Powell
     President Dan Quayle

Radio has no future. Heavier than air-flying machines are impossible. X-rays will prove to be a hoax. William Thomson, English scientist 1899.

     Phil the Cat responded rapidly to Crystal's TLC. Purring happily, he began returning the puma girl's kisses, stroking her tawny pelt and licking the edges of her ears.
     "Mmm...I sure am..." he murmured in reply to Crystal's query about feeling better. And when she asked about having children, he replied "Kittens? Well... sure. But...don't you think we should spend a little more time together?" Motioning towards the bathroom, he added "At least let's try out the hot tub...get this cold water out of our fur."

CRYSTAL THE PUMA'S WRITER: Could you give me a description of Crystal please? I'd like to get some idea about what the kittens would look like. And I'd like to get an artist to draw Crystal and Phil together. Phil the Cat's Writer

The flock of transparent birdies that were circling Phil's head do not dissipate when Crystal shoos them away. Instead, they gather into a huddle, whispering to each other, occasionally casting surreptitious glances at the amorous pair. Abruptly, they all burst out laughing!

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS PET PIG? Small, black, wears a bandanna, answers to "P-Chan". If seen please call Akané Tendo, Tendo dojo, Nermia

The mist flowed away, it was morning, and Anne was by a wood. Before her she could see a building with a platform near a railroad track. On the platform there was a single man pacing back and forth, when another man came onto the platform and the pacing man backed away and fell off the platform. He stepped back onto the track all the while staring at the second man. There was a shout, followed by a shriek and the train came, beating the man under its wheels.

Hooray for the Untouchable Trio!!! KODT

WANT TO BUY: Pokémon, all types, the rarer the better. Let us know what you've got - and where you are, and any hours you won't be at home but your Pokémon will - and we'll give you the business. Team Rocket

"Dodgers and Angels highlights at 11. Please watch anyway." Bill Weir KAAB Los Angeles

Well, gee guys, its just a game. Brian, KODT

     That there is a hidden ward of World War I, World War II, Korean and Vietnam War veterans at Walter Reed which is so gruesome that nurses who are assigned there go crazy after a year and have to be treated at a special hospital out west.
     This is adjacent to the 450-bed facility that the Catholic Church maintains to dry out alcoholic priests. Just over the hill is the CIA's "sex camp" where vacationing covert agents can enjoy feminine companionship without fear of compromise.
     Four thousand miles to the west is the island where the Marine Corps permanently quarantined the hardened killers it did not dare return to the U.S. after the Second World War. They have Polynesian wives and unlimited supplies of Schlitz Beer. (From There Are Alligators in our Sewers and Other American Credos. Paul Dickerson and Joseph C. Goulden.)

- And for a whole lot more of this fun stuff, see http://www.snopes.com. Ye Ed and UL fan. -

They made me Black Prince of Muncie!! Bob, KODT

AURORAPHOBIA, fear of the Northern Lights.

I'm in GM Hell!! B.A., KODT

Mother of Blessed Saving Throws! We're cooked! KODT

I recently came across the following: John Train's Most Remarkable Names by John Train. Which includes:
     A. Moron (Commissioner of Education)
     Private Murder Smith (British Army)
     Cardiac Arrest Da Silva (Municipal Tax Collector)
     Cheatham & Steel (Bankers)
     Knighton Day
     Royal Navy Shippe
     C. Sharp Minor (Silent Movie Organist)
     Dr. Deadman (Pathologist)
     Dr. and Dr. Doctor
     I.C. Shivers (Iceman)
     I.M. Zamost (Lawyer)
     Memory Lane
     Solomon Gomorah
     Urban Shocker
     Warren Peace
     Wyre & Tapping (Detectives)

HELLENOLOGOPHOBIA, fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.

THE ORIGIN OF THE BONG

     Once upon a time, the Borg made the major mistake of attempting to assimilate a world of toons. By the time they realized that not even they could tame toon insanity, it was too late to do anything but expel them and give them a wide berth from then on.
     For the toons had been corrupted by the Borg drive for conquest. They were now the Bong.
     Possessed of Borg and toon resilience, backed by all the technology, pseudotechnology and outright magic they've assimilated, they absorb and incorporate whatever they can and destroy the rest.

     YURI: So that's our mission - pass defense systems that can destroy whole fleets, fight our way through millions of fanatic killer toons who can't be killed, run a gauntlet of heavy armament, booby traps and runaway hurt gags, and find a way to destroy the Bong flagship!
     No sweat for the Lovely Angels, right? Kei

Jumpin' hurdy gurdy!! I'm diving for cover. Bob, KODT

     Before John Fluke can answer Edison Carter's question, the lights suddenly flicker and grow dim, and a cacophony of sound is heard in the near distance - sounds reminiscent of a power drill, a circular saw, a jackhammer, the hum of an electric arc - culminating in an inhuman shriek like that you get when you dial a fax number by mistake - then fading into silence as the lights come up again.
     "So we've done another integration," mutters John Fluke. Turning to Edison Carter, he continues. "Come this way. I wasn't going to show you this part until later, but you can't miss this. You're about to see exactly what we Bong have to offer the public."

     Two cybernetic units flank a closed door at the end of the corridor. "Hey, a camera!" says the short one with the blocked-sinuses voice, who has treads and bears a distinct resemblance to a tank.
     "So you're the guest reporter we've been told about," says the taller one in a cocky tone (in fact he looks like an iron rooster)" You're just in time!"
     The two snap to attention on either side of the door. The taller one begins, "Ladies, Gentlemen, interested viewers; allow us to introduce-" the short one blows a fanfare through his pointed nose; the taller one glares and continues"- the newest member of the Bong conglomerate." The door slides open.

The Following Ad was written after the writer listened to the CD of "Batman Beyond". (Play it LOUD!)

     As the door opens, smoke & fog floods in. Jets of fire shoot out from the walls! Neon lights in some very odd setups line the wall behind a group of dark figures. (Some of them are toasting marshmallows over the firejets, others are roasting hotdogs.) Then they see the door is open & rush into Formation. They stand gleaming with shiny Additions to their bodies. (It's all the missing Characters! Plus a few others.) Then they start to Sing...
      "We were alone, that was our Situation,
     Then we were took by a Alien Visitation.
     Now imagine our Total Jubilation,
     For we all have undergone Assimilation!
     For We are Bong, the new Cartoon Nation!!"

While they sing & dance in a way like "Rythemnation", A hole opens in the floor and new figure raises up with rings of electricity surrounding her form. She looks like she had poured into the tight-fitting body suit. Down the back of one leg is printed into the suit "0111". On the other is "1001". Her cotton tail is rotating clockwise, like she was a wind-up Do... *BOOOM* A crater appear where the announcer had been standing! Weapons of Mass destruction had appeared from behind the rabbit's back, each on it's own arm, and fired at him before he could finish! "THAT WORD," She speaks with a heavy echo, "WILL NOT BE USED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, IT'S IN MY CONTRACT!" Shh-he s-s-slowly looks at the new announcer as if to see if knows what is good for him. She then turns to look at John Fluke & Edison Carter. The weapons return to their place in the place all toons have behind their backs. (Although the "Sure-shot Atomic Peashooter" was the last to Stand-down.) HELLO. I AM THE NEW SPOKESMODEL FOR THE BORG CONGLOMERATE, LOLACUTEASS.....

HIPPOPOTOMONOSTROSESQUIPPEDIALIOPHOBIA, fear of long words.

Hoody Hoo!!! KODT

YE ED: All you have to do is check the inventory here on the computer terminal by the dumb waiter. If there is any in stock, just order and it will be sent up.; There is, and here it comes. Now how about white marble room? Or perhaps a vinyl-padded room cause isn't cream slippery? Whichever is best with an extra large dumb waiter for the food fight room? The Kindly Spirit

- Better give them a floor with plenty of traction. (You're right about the cream). Yes to the dumb waiter. This looks GREAT! Ye Ed watching out the front as the guests begin to arrive... -

THE THREE RULES OF PARANOIA:
I. Nothing is unimportant.
II. Nothing is unintended.
III. Everything is personal.

We can't expect other nations to have a democracy like ours - they don't have enough lawyers. Cullen Hightower.

     So, says Ataru, "Shall we go to the party, Lum?"
     "I don't know, darling," Lum answers dubiously. "I'm not sure I want to go back to the old routine."
     "I've been thinking about that, Lum. After all, these years our fans can be divided into three groups. One bunch is busy reading Dog-boy and have practically forgotten us; they won't care. The second bunch would like to see us break up or do a grim and gritty sequel; they can [No, not in Intercepted they can't]. The rest always hoped we'd work things out..."
     "You're right, darling," says Lum; "Let this be for them!"

We all want to make it a better world; we only differ on who for... N.L.

And on the Vote for Make-over Candidate, early returns show that, that, er, YE ED? - Cheesecake Squad

- Thus far, nobody voted... Ye Votetaker -

If you think nobody cares about you, don't file a federal tax return this year. Norb Otto National Enquirer.

Will someone clean the wabe? The toves are way too slithy. The Mome Rath


CURRENT ALIAS LIST

The 2 foot pink elephant
Acetelyn Lamp
Acia
Acme Inspector #567
AI #367
AI #500
Ann Gora
Anna May (Cheesecake Squad)
The Anti-Shadowcat Association Of Minor Deities
The Arctophile
Ataru
Atropos
Augustus Bear
Avernio
Barney's Sister, Holly The Hota-Saur
Beavis & Butthead
Bernie
The Bit Bucket Brigadier
Blank Reg
The Blinded Cyberbear
The Boo Birds
The Borg
Bradamante Hoka
Brandy
Bud
C. Columbus
The C.F.'S Spy
Cable Commandos
Camilla Sterling "The Old Bat"
Candie Chipmunk
Casseopaea Quaternary
Cat House Crew
The Cheesecake Squad
Cloaked Figure
The Cloaked Figure's Engineer
Collin Meeks
Colonel K
Commander Feral
The Crew of the Alice P. Liddell; "Patch" Wurk, "Stretch" Marx and Alacrity Pace
Critterfan
Crystal The Puma
Cyberspacecadet
Dafre Ashyr
Dana Cohen
Devan Shell
The Devil Girls
The Diglet
The Doctor (8th Incarnation)
Downyng
Dr. Demento Fan
Dr. Peter Salt
Dr. Reginald Bushroot (Reggie)
Droopy
The Dude In Sunglasses
The Dynamic Ram
E'mi'ko (Cheesecake Squad)
E'ri' (Cheesecake Squad)
Edison Carter
Ei'ko (Cheesecake Squad)
Ellie Font
Emlia Diksohn
The Enforcers
Etso'yo (Cheesecake Squad)
Eva Earlong
Executioner Turnip
Eyegor
A Few Dozen Rodents
The Fictator
Fleur-Du-Mal
Foghorn Leghorn
The Font Fintoozler
Francis Puumphandle
Franq Pinky Shelley
Freakazoid
Fred, The Giant Air-Breathing Cuttlefish With The Tour On Its' Back
G. Sumner
Gary Miller
The Genie Of The Zine
Gennie Harmon Aka Watcher 7
The Ghost of Mrs. White
The Ghostly Trio
The Giant Gardener
Gosalyn Mallard
The Grapevine
The Great Intercepted Band
Grizzlina
H'rrll
H (Of Flight A)
Hamegg
Hana'yo (Cheesecake Squad)
Harriet The Hippo
Harry Flashman
Harry Wonton
Haru-Mi (Cheesecake Squad)
Hell's Hares
Hello Nurse (In Various Incarnations)
Hercule Perot
Higeoyaji
Janlenon
Jazz Jackrabbit
The Jinjos Five
Jo
Johnny Pew
Justice Machine 7233
Kansan Killer Kohlrabi
Kate Kookaburra
Kei
Kekko Karmen
Kett'n
Kettan (Tan)
Kindly Spirit
The Klingon Lover
Kmar
Kutta
La'fey
The Laird Of The White Bookworm
Launchpad Mcquack
Lina Inverse
Lisaine Bin-Lara
Lola Bunny
Londo Mollari
The Lone Haranguer
Louise L'amour
Lt. John Loki Bear
The Luggages
Lum
The MAD Scientist
Major Mackintosh
Malcom Brand
Marchioness Anita De Pussay, Head Mole-Bimbette
Mari Wanabe
Marshal Graham
Marvin The Martian
Mary Sue Myerbeer
The Masked Hedgehog
The Massive Ugly Spaceship
Max Headroom
The Mean Shillelagh
Melanthe Quaternary
The Merchant
Micki
Mo-Ron
Molly Cunningham (Aka Dangerwoman)
The Morel Majority
Morocco Mole
Mr Ad-Man
Ms. Vavoom
Mughi
Multi-Man
Naga The Serpent (Slayers)
Nessie
The New Moon
The Nurse
Old Man Happosai
Omaha
Oscar Zoroaster Diggs
Oxnard SDF
Pastor Dick
Phil The Cat
Pikachu
The Pirates
The Popcorn Seller
Power Bull
Prometheus
The Proprietor (Eich-Pi-El, HPL)
The Protect-Server (Gravsled)
Psil O'Cybin
The Pudgy Mermaid
Q (STTNG)
Ralph (Not The Wolf)
Ralph Wolf
The Raspberry Colored Aliens
Rasta Claws
Razor (Swat Kats)
Renegade Xparxes
Rincewind
Rinderciller
Riposte
Rita Roswell
Rogero Hoka
Roman
Sa'brina
Sam & Ed, NYSD
Sam Sherif
SAX
A Seeker Of Knowledge
Sergeant Shamrock
Shameless Marketing
A Shapely Salesgirl
Sheba Kahn
Shiela The Short
Shiera The Were-Cat
Shiver the Weasel
Shizu'ka (Cheesecake Squad)
The Skipper (Gilligan's Island)
A Small Cloud
The Smokycats
Spike
Stanley, A Parisian Majick Rock
Steely Dan Quail
Sugi'no (Cheesecake Squad)
The SWAT KATS
A Swimmer Who Has Been Without A Date For Awhile
Sylvaine
T-Bone
Ta'zo'ko (Cheesecake Squad)
The Tamagrouchy
Tami'ye (Cheesecake Squad)
Tana Miller
Team Rocket
Thelma Karnage
Thianc
Tinker Belle From Hell
Twiki
Two-Puss
The Unspeakable Fiend
Various Pokemon
Vicky
Virain tal Virain
Wanda "The Wicked Lady" Wolf (Black Wolf Vixen)
The Weatherman
Wendell Nerdsley
The Widow Hatrack
Xparx (All Of Them)
Xparx-Rfs (All Of Them)
Yuri
Zone


The above is as of last issue, and new aliases added this issue are not included. (The same for your alias lists - I didn't remember to update until I'd printed the lot...)

Some Upcoming Conventions

FILKONTARIO 10 March 31 to April 2, 2000, Quality Hotel Airport, Mississauga, ON, FilKONtario Registration, 98-145 Rice Avenue, Hamilton ON L9C 6R3 CANADA, http://www.bserv.com/community/fkoa.htm, hayman@bserv.com

CONFURENCE 11 April 6 to April 9, 2000, The Irvine Hilton at the John Wayne Airport, Irvine, CA. The ConFurence Group, c/o Darrel L. Exline, P.O. Box 84721, San Diego, CA 92138-4721, http://www.confurence.org

CONDOR 2K May 5 - 7, 2000, Double Tree Hotel, San Diego, CA. ConDor, P.O. Box 15771, San Diego, CA

BAYCON 2000 May 26-29, 2000 San Jose Doubletree Hotel, San Jose,CA, Baycon 2000, P.O. Box 610427, San Jose CA 95161-0427, (408) 450-1788, info@baycon.org

GAMECON III May 26 - 29,2000 Oakland Airport Hilton, Oakland, CA GameCon III, P.O. Box 730, Oakley, CA 94561

AGAMEMCON IV June 23-25, 2000, Burbank Airport Hilton, Burbank, CA, AgamemCon, 92 Corporate Park, Suite C-330, Irvine, CA 92606, orrock@ix.netcom.com, http://www.agamemcon.org

COSTUME COLLEGE June 30, 2000 to July 4, 2000, Airtel Plaza, Van Nuys, CA. Darla Kruger, c/o Costumer's Guild West, P.O. Box 94538, Pasadena CA 91109, DevineDWK@aol.com

ANIME EXPO 2000 June 30, 2000 to July 3, 2000, Disneyland Hotel and Convention Center, Anaheim CA. reg@anime-expo.org

A DISTANT SHORE II: REMEMBER LOVE - Eleventh Annual Beauty and the Beast Convention July 7-9, 2000, Burbank Airport Hilton Hotel, Burbank, CA, A Distant Shore II: Remembering Love, P.O. Box 1851, Studio City, CA 91614, (818) 761-9359, la2k@aol.com

CONCHORD 14 September 22-24, 2000, Airtel Plaza, Van Nuys, CA. Zen Nine Productions; P.O. Box 61172; Pasadena CA 91116, http://sundry.hsc.usc.edu/conchord14.html

LOSCON 27 November 24-26, 2000, Burbank Airport Hilton, LosCon 27, 11513 Burbank Boulevard, North Hollywood, CA 91601, http://www.loscon.org/loscon/27/

THE SCORE CARD
As of This Issue.....
In the Pokébattle Acetylene Lamp
Gary & Tana Miller
Hamegg
Hell's Hares
Higeoyaji
Jo, Vicky & Micky
Lisaine, Virain & H'rril
Lots of Pokémon
Team Rocket
The Giant Elmer Fudd
On The Titanic... Dr. Brown
Dr. Who
Freakazoid
Harry Flashman
Hiroshima
The Luggage family
Whoever belongs there...
Outside Westport Organics Droopy Dog
Mary Sue Myerbeer
The Cloaked Figure
The Pirates
The Superheroes (Riposte, Power Bull etc.)

*********************************************************************************************

THE ELECTRONIC INTERCEPTED is published on a monthly schedule (save for January, which is skipped, with February being double sized and available from Stormgate Aerie BBS, 1-310-822-6729, as is THE CAST LIST, which includes bios of characters in INTERCEPTED and a list of characters currently in play, updated on an issue by issue basis. INTERCEPTED is also available by mailing list - send me your eddress and I'll add you to it. There is also the HTML version (also text-only I'm afraid) available off my website at http://pw2.netcom.com/~nshapero/icindex.htm. The original INTERCEPTED (hard copy version comprised of ads, inclusions and artwork) is available from 12536 Short Ave., Los Angeles, CA 90066 for $1.75 plus postage (usually 2-3 oz worth; for a total of $2.30/$2.53 in the US, higher elsewhere.) Hard copy of THE CAST LIST is also available, for $1.00 plus postage a copy. Note - the Cast List does NOT contain any artwork - the only difference between the hard copy and downloadable version is that the former is formatted into three columns.

Ads & things can also be sent to me via the Internet at kay.shapero@salata.com.

Back issues of both The Electronic Intercepted, and Intercepted are available; write me for details.

Contributions to this thing consist of ads, artwork and inclusions, as follows:

ADS: Each member is allowed up to 90 lines of text (called "ads" for historical reasons - this thing started out in a Personals column), divided up however you please.

One Line = 55 characters or less, including spaces. (note - this reflects the width of columns in the printed version - I'm formatting the electronic version to 65 because it's single column)

Ads are $.02 per line. (Note - ad cost is included in the purchase price for the hard copy Intercepted.) Ads (or bios for The Cast List) may be mailed to me, or sent via StormGate Aerie in the message area for same.

ARTWORK: Artists may receive free or reduced cost hard copy versions. See the hard copy Intercepted for details.

INCLUSIONS: These are pretty much anything that is neither artwork or ads, and cost $3.00 per side if I have to copy them and will not show up in the electronic version unless supplied as ascii text. See the hard copy Intercepted for details.

The editor reserves the right to edit or refuse ads (but rarely does as long as they don't get too gross or ose.)

ADS NEXTISH DUE: April 1, 2000
PUBLICATION DATE NEXTISH: April 8, 2000

EDITOR: Kay Shapero
SYSOP: Nicolai Shapero

Make Life Interesting!