REGRET LETTER (Jack Harness & Lee Gold)

My Dear________,

Thank you for the kind and thoughtful invitation to your: wedding divorce party fund-raising dinner little darling's bar/t mitzvah fugghead fondling contest boar hunt bash As always, your: computer-generated printout distinguishedly calligraphed delightfully witty childish and illiterate messily repro'ed sophomoric and blasphemous announcement and the inaccurate and confusing map (if any) was eagerly waited for received with pleasure an unexpected honor an expected honor delivered by the postman Ordinarily, not even the sinister mafia Mexican mafia Jewish mafia Moral Majority risks to my health could keep me away, but as you may well realize have possibly forgotten could not be expected to know should have remembered sent out invites to everybody this raises a most unforeseen scheduling conflict with my mother's funeral the gala grand opening of my new dry cleaning establishment other pressing matters and it is with deep dismay profound sadness the agony of decision true fannish aplomb gut-churning, stomach-disquieting, soul-sickening despair a sigh of relief that I reply that I cannot now plan to attend. Rest assured that should circumstances change, and the wind shift the wine list improve drastically the dry cleaners' local go on strike my therapist go on vacation you start showering more I may be able to make a brief appearance after all. Please do not think for a moment that I give any credence to the amusing preposterous disgusting spine-tingling DNQ widely rumored printed in Locus mentioned in the newspaper radio, Newsweek, and TV reports of your inability to: hold restrain pick up after get hold of housebreak make monthly payments on stand upright without assistance from your nosy neighbors liquor el cheapo munchies garbage from previous soirees Red Mountain backed-up plumbing funny-looking cigarettes small herd of guard dogs bootleg video cassettes noisy card players scratchy rock records parakeet religious zeal for Rev. Moon Instant Message support group My best regards to your wife/husband ex-wife/husband new wife/husband girlfriend/boyfriend live-in maid young child inner child pet and her/his unfortunate fleas fungus small appliances Medfly infestation stupid puns battle to avoid extradition eating habits As always, I remain Sincerely Respectfully Affectionately Cordially Truly Devotedly Faithfully Putridly Yours, _________________________________________________________________________ PS.: Maybe we could make it next_____________. Remember me for next time. Could you move to a more accessible location? Could you move farther away? How about we schedule it again, say in late 2022? Don't you owe me $_______? Could you send some of the leftovers in a doggie bag? Write it up in APA-L. We gotta get together for drinks. Fifi says hello. Mom says hi. Please take me off your mailing list.